Now even my spam is insulting me

I post often about awesome spam, befuddling spam, and pathetic spam.

This is a new high in spamming. Behold, the (poorly written) smackdown spam:

“The following time I read a weblog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as a lot as this one. I imply, I know it was my choice to learn, but I really thought youd have something fascinating to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about one thing that you would fix if you happen to werent too busy on the lookout for attention.”

I’m pretty sure, if I parse the terrible English properly, that said spammer just called me narcissistic, disappointing, incompetent, and whiny.

Hey, when did my ex and my relatives start writing spam?

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Best spam ever.

“Just have actually present your blog post reverse thus i carry without a doubt felt enjoying consider this method around a typical. Along at the base have access to a numerous ideas the following well, i savour watch for until this planet wide working experience necessary. Take all the outstanding career!”

Nicely said, spammer.

And the winner is…

The spammer who composed this beauty:

“I was reading something else about this on another blog. Interesting. Your linear perspective on it is diametrically contradicted to what I read earlier. I am still contemplating over the various points of view, but I’m tipped to a great extent toward yours. And regardless, that’s what is so great about modern democracy and the marketplace of thoughts on-line.”

Why, nameless, faceless salesperson of all things godawful, you almost make sense. Most of the other spam is barely intelligible and so I celebrate you. This is b-lls-t, in part because I’ve never had a linear perspective in my life, and because things cannot be “diametrically contradicted to” something else (they are “diametrically opposed to” or “directly contradict”), and because modern democracy allows many fewer opinions than, say, Grecian democracy, and because since the late ’90s the Wired style guide assured us it was time to take the hyphen out of the word online (a trend followed fewer than two years later by most major dictionaries.)

Also, your fake comment has nothing at all to do with the post to which you appended it, and is the most blatant of attempts to fake your way through the assignment. I’ve seen that before, buddy. I teach English to those who believe they don’t need it.

Though your attempt is head and shoulders above the rest of the spam I get (and, honestly, better than the compositions of 75% of college freshman), it’s still schlock.

So. For your efforts: A. For your dirth of knowledge and annoying posing: F.

Still. Amusing. You win. Your prize is that I won’t post your spam in my comments because it’s still spam and obviously crap; but I will take your pathetic words and use them to amuse myself for the three minutes or so it took to deride you in public.

Yay for you, spam dude.

Hey, that’s not spam!

I think the WordPressspam filter might be biased against open dialogue and thoughtful comments. Because here are some of the things it caught today:

sKxthonjfwudyu, [url=http://mrexnftgfbqt.com/]mrexnftgfbqt[/url], [link=http://unfchazxfjub.gov/]unfchazxfjub[/link], http://pqekmqataalu.gov/
I think the spam filter might just be a prescriptivist linguist to single out this one, right? It’s just expressing the commenter’s heartfelt, if a bit non-English, feelings.

And, clearly, the spam filter doesn’t know about my multiple personality disorder, nor that my friends call me “dude” and “fella” and “bro” because it also split this comment away from the post for which the ideas are designed:
hi there dudes
my mother recently ran into an online store. the store is selling wide range of discounted label clothes. the shop is selling the items with almost 65% savings. my daughter really needs to get a pair before the get away but not sure that order will be brought in right on time. I am planning to order those prada shoes but not sure yet.
just urged to share with you bros.
thnx fellas.

And what kind of jingoistic, anti-capitalist spam filter can ignore the power of this:
I stand here today humbled by the task before dufus komas, grateful for the trust you have bestowed, mindful of the sacrifices borne by our cheap dufus komas. I thank President dufus power leveling for his service to buy dufus komas, as well as the generosity and cooperation he has shown throughout this transition.

It’s just the spam filter’s power structures and inherent prejudices trying to silence the voices of the powerless. Fight the spam filter.

And to you, gentle spambots, keep those nonsensical spam comments coming! You’re not wasting my time or limited brain space or anything by deluging my tiny little blog with crap. Really.

These are a few of my favorite spam…

No, I’m not going to post the spam here. But I will categorize, analyze, and belittle for your reading pleasure.

Blog spam is quite different than email spam. Email spam tries to sell you something, get your money to Nigeria, or increase your [fill in the blank: size/pleasure/results/income/whatever]. Blog spam, though, tries to get your readers to follow a link to something they’re selling, whether product or ideology.

My delight stems from the approaches:

1) The “I stop here today read your amazing blog wow this is post I find  interesting for the thank you for posting” poorly translated obsequious post. Optional bonus: the barely coherent promise to “be frequent visitor here”

2) The dump of unrelated words and a link. Totally  nonsensical and pointless…if you’re just commenting hoping to find someone who doesn’t screen comments and posts everything, why bother with the random words? just post the link and hope it gets through.

3) My new favorite: the beligerent spam. These are new to my comment section and include a sentence of praise for the post, an acknowledgement that the following link has nothing to do  with anything you’ve ever said, and the admonition “don’t be an ass. This isn’t spam.” Oooooh. Thanks for telling me. I thought unrelated comments that refer not to my nonsense but instead point my readers to your nonsense was called spam. But if you call me an ass for thinking about deleting your comment, that makes it not spam? Nice tactic.

Maybe if I start asking people on the street and deriding their “do I know you?”s with “don’t be an ass, this isn’t mooching!” I will actually have an income. That would be nice, no? Try it yourselves. On strangers. With whom you have nothing in common and who have no interest in your having extra money. Ask them for some. Pre-empt arguments with “don’t be an ass; this isn’t unsolicited.” See how it goes over. Then tell me about it. I’ll even let you link to your site if you have actually read something I’ve written. Even if you call me an ass.

For really, at least this new spam tactic calls a spade a spade. Except it won’t call a spam a spam. Puzzling.