And the winner is…

The spammer who composed this beauty:

“I was reading something else about this on another blog. Interesting. Your linear perspective on it is diametrically contradicted to what I read earlier. I am still contemplating over the various points of view, but I’m tipped to a great extent toward yours. And regardless, that’s what is so great about modern democracy and the marketplace of thoughts on-line.”

Why, nameless, faceless salesperson of all things godawful, you almost make sense. Most of the other spam is barely intelligible and so I celebrate you. This is b-lls-t, in part because I’ve never had a linear perspective in my life, and because things cannot be “diametrically contradicted to” something else (they are “diametrically opposed to” or “directly contradict”), and because modern democracy allows many fewer opinions than, say, Grecian democracy, and because since the late ’90s the Wired style guide assured us it was time to take the hyphen out of the word online (a trend followed fewer than two years later by most major dictionaries.)

Also, your fake comment has nothing at all to do with the post to which you appended it, and is the most blatant of attempts to fake your way through the assignment. I’ve seen that before, buddy. I teach English to those who believe they don’t need it.

Though your attempt is head and shoulders above the rest of the spam I get (and, honestly, better than the compositions of 75% of college freshman), it’s still schlock.

So. For your efforts: A. For your dirth of knowledge and annoying posing: F.

Still. Amusing. You win. Your prize is that I won’t post your spam in my comments because it’s still spam and obviously crap; but I will take your pathetic words and use them to amuse myself for the three minutes or so it took to deride you in public.

Yay for you, spam dude.

9 thoughts on “And the winner is…

  1. Is it me or the spam becoming more intellegent? I haven’t deleted any in a week because I find it so amusing. And I’m beginning to wonder how much they make because I’m sure I could be just as good.

  2. OMG, you made me laugh out loud! Such a clever response. I just received/deleted the exact same spam message and like you, was amused to which post it was assigned. Such a great post. Thanks for the fit of giggles!

    • Fae, it totally makes me want to be a spammer. Because I could actually read the blogs and come up with something articulate and appropriate to sell my crud. But that’s basically what I did when I was in advertising, and it gets old quickly. Except when I write the spam in Chinese for Dan’s blog. That’s at least entertaining.
      Oh, Falling, you did *not* just bring up irregardless. Ah, brings me back to the syllabi I would write that included a full page of Strunk and Whitesque “don’t let me find this in your paper or you’ll be rewriting before I even grade” triggers.
      jc, I know for a fact you wouldn’t come read if I had a linear perspective. You might if I did more herkies, though, so…
      You got the same spam, Jane? I always wonder how they find us and what they’re selling. I almost deleted it, but I was so irked by the diametric contradiction I couldn’t let it go.

  3. Nobody spams me. Why not? I want spam. Especially Chinese spam. But not the kind that comes in a can, thank you very much. I don’t do canned meat. Even if drizzled in cream of potato soup or sprinkled with Parmesan cheese. (Two recipes that come highly recommened by SPAM’s current website.)

    • Well, Organic, I was over the pukes until this comment. Normally, I’m all for cream of potato soup, and posted last year an easy recipe, but potted meat with salty soup made me hurl.
      ANYTHING with parmesan, especially after a minute under the broiler, is pretty fine. Just not anything in the faux-ham category.
      Ugh. There went my dinner.

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