The results are in…

I’ve taken every online quiz to determine, through the magic of the Internet, the gender of this baby.

Old wives’ tales and superstitions, which are always 100% medically, historically, and computationally accurate, can be compiled with simple software prestidigitations. Of course how your uterus looks is determined by the baby’s gender. How could it not be?

And the results?

Quiz #1 60% chance for a boy
Quiz #2 too early to tell. try back later (um, people, any later and it will be easier to look in the kid’s diaper)
Quiz #3 60% chance for a girl
Quiz #4 57% chance for a girl
Quiz #5 62% chance for a boy
Quiz # 6 It’s a girl
Quiz #7 It’s a boy

Seriously, Internet coders, you’ve just wasted seventeen minutes of my time. Now, please, come up with a better quiz. Or at least one that takes longer. I have stuff to do and need to procrastinate.

Do I crave orange juice? That’s the best you can do? Here’s my official, fool-proof guaranteed to be accurate pregnancy quiz.

1. Are you experiencing a)uncontrollable rage or b)a new inner peace?
2. Were you a)wildly sick the first trimester or b)felt fine?
3. Are you a)dreaming sweet thoughts of baby or b)terrified out of your gourd about the future?

Tally the number of As and the number of Bs. If you have more As you have a 50% chance of having a boy and if you have more Bs you have a 50% chance of having a girl. If you answered every question “some of both” you have my sympathies, because you’re clearly insane probably having a baby soon.

Guaranteed.

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14 thoughts on “The results are in…

  1. My husband practices Chinese Medicine and I am amazed with how it just gets things right 99.9% of the time. So when I took their test to figure out the gender of our baby (they said, a girl) I believed it. Big OOPS! Not only is he a boy, he’s ALL boy. That “test” couldn’t have been more wrong! I LOVE your quiz – bet it works every time! ;)

  2. Did you do the thing where you dangle a ring over your abdomen and see which direction it swings? I bet that could waste at least another three minutes. I don’t know which direction is for boy and which for girl, though.

  3. Jane, quizzes 6&7 are the Chinese calendar tests based on my birthdate and the month of conception. Two tests, two different results. Maybe my chi is telling them something…probably the hermaphrodite thing.
    Oh, Melissa, I’ve dangled many things over the bump, but, like you, I have no idea which direction means which. sometimes I get circles and sometimes back and forth. Of course, any scientist worth her salt would tell you why it makes obvious sense that a change in gravity would evidence mini-penis or mini-uterus. Sure.
    Pander, whatever it is, it gets NYC skin tight denim creme on its toes. I might not forgive you for that one, blaming the messenger and all.
    Kitch, The Man is always bringing us down.

  4. Both my kids are boys. I despaired for a whole day when I found out at baby’s ultrasound because I really wanted a girl this time. I was glad I found out then instead of being disappointed when he was born. But now I’m glad for having two boys. I think they’ll be good friends, and the hand-me-downs are great.

  5. ps: You could ask the next ultrasound person or your doctor next time! It’s not a failure of will or anything to want to know. ;) Have to say, Hubby and I were SO glad to know as early as possible. We picked the final name, painted the room, got the appropriate clothes, and wrapped our heads around how it would all play out. It was great!

  6. Fie, I almost passed out when the first one was a boy. I’ve had several friends be deeply disappointed, briefly, with a gender announcement either before or after the birth. Seems to me easier to be shocked when there’s no time to mull.
    Ink, I’m not holding out because I think it’s a better way to go…Spouse really doesn’t want to know yet, and I figure we’ll know soon enough. I like to hold people off the gender-assigning clothes and toys as long as possible. i’m so anti-pink and blue it’s easier to say “we don’t know.”
    Ugh, names. Two lists or one, we’re still screwed on names. Peanut has the best name ever and has thwarted all creative and intellectual efforts to pair with it.

  7. Spouse is lucky he’s married to you because if it were me, the conversation would go a little something like this: “You don’t want to know? Well, I do and *I’m* the one carrying this baby and throwing up and having backaches and gaining weight and not sleeping. So we’re finding out. AND I’m going to need a footrub every night, too.” ;)

    And by the by, you have all GREAT names on your list. Though Peanut does have the best name ever, you’re right. Pretty much outdid yerself there.

    • Ink, Spouse is wicked lucky, but the debate goes something like this:
      “Oh, you don’t want to know the gender? I kind of do, but, hey, you should get a say, right? You provided a whole CELL of this 7 pound creature I have nurtured to the detriment of my sleep, esophagus, and sense of free will. Of course you should get a say. You should also go get the caramels. And since it’s tiring work gestating a freaking microscopic cell into a full person, you will follow the caramels with a footrub. And a backrub. Oh…and I get to name it, whatever flavor it is.” See? I take the sarcasm route. and sometimes even get dished washed for my end of the waiting game. ;-)
      And fae? we have the hairbands. Peanut has long hair. So we’re good no matter what. Cuz I’m anti-gendered clothing and have a boy with long hair. So…meh. ;-)

  8. I was going to make the same snarky comment that Ink made about the ultrasound tech. Darling, don’t you know that you won’t have any time after the second one comes to buy gender-assigning clothes? Of course, if it’s a boy, you won’t need to, and if it’s a girl, you just need two packs of hair bands.

    I thought the name was going to be Hazelnut. I thought we all agreed.

  9. I was pregnant with Tankbaby during the 2008 election, so my standard answer before we found out the sex was “We don’t care, as long as he votes Democrat.”

    I wanted to know ahead of time if it was a boy or a girl, but I’m also the kind of person who pokes holes in the box of chocolates to see what the fillings are before eating them (or, in the case of orange liqueur, leaving them for someone else).

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