It will come as no surprise to you, sweet one, that Mama wants to talk with you for a moment….”Hair”? Oh, Butterbean…yes, you’re right, we don’t pull hair. Pulling hair hurts. What I want to…”Bang”? Yes, Butternut, hitting hurts. We don’t bang people. Thank you for remembering this time. I hope you remember next time your brother is in the room….But we’ve already talked about that and the past is past and I love you and…
What I really want to say…”Go”? Yes, honey. We can go for a walk…What’s that sign—tomatoes? To look for tomatoes? Okay…”ground”? Of course, yes, if there’s one on the ground you can squish it. But tomatoes in the neighbors’ yards are just for looking….Yes, like that. Looking. Mmmm-hmmm.
Butterpat, Mama wants to tell you…”Go.” Uh-huh. Yes. Peanut did go. He went to school. Yes…”Cry”? You’re sad? You miss him. You like Peanut. Me, too….Love, the crayons are for coloring, like this….Yes, throwing them sounds interesting. It sure does. Can we try coloring with them?…No, of course not. Silly suggestion.
Butterbug? Can we….Yes, throwing markers sounds different than crayons. Yes. Different. You signed “different.” Markers are different. But babe, can we…Yes, I will help you open that….Here you go….”Grrr.” Yes. Frustrating. You feel frustrated…Yes. Would you like help? Okay. Here are the words: “Mama help.” No? you don’t have to say it, Butterbutton. Okay. Here you go. Lid off.
Now. Buttersmoosh. Mama wants to say…yes, darling, we can go outside. “Outside.” Right. I see you signing “outside.” Do you want shoes? “Na-na-na,” of course not. I should have known better.
Butterbud, please, just looking at tomatoes. Just looking….”Ick”? Yes, dirt. Dirt feels nice. Oh, nice on your toes? Mmm-hmmm….Nice on your whole body, huh? You like to lie down in dirt….Okay…Honey, can we go inside….
Uh-oh. Yes dirt in hands, no dirt in mouth….”Ick.” Yes, that’s yucky. Yucky. Blech…Yes. That’s right. May I tell you….Sign for banana? You want a banana? Okay. Let’s go inside…Oh, honey, why do you have sadness? I just meant for a banana. Bananas are inside. We are outside. If you want to eat a banana, we have to go inside…Oh, sadness. You want outside, not inside. Sad.
Butterbear, chairs are for sitting. I don’t want you to get hurt. Please sit down….Thank you….Butterbutt, please sit so I can get your banana….Okay. Mama’s going to turn and get the banana on the counter…Butterbug, that’s not safe. The dishwasher does look like a ladder, but it’s not. We don’t climb onto counters….Yes, the knives look interesting but they are no touch. Not safe. Hurt baby….Yes, getting down is frustrating. Butter’s angry with Mama. Say, Mama! I want up! I don’t want down!…I know, sweetness….Here’s a bite of banana, and I’d like to tell you…Oh. You didn’t want banana? You throw banana, banana is all done….”Trash”? Yes, it goes to the trash….Wait a minute, did you do that just so you could throw something in the trash?…Butterybubba, we don’t throw food. We eat food. Banana is for mouth, not floor….Sure you can have a bite….Butter. Banana is for mouth. Not for floor….Yes, now it’s trash. No, you may not throw it in the trash….Because I’m going to make Daddy eat it later….”Ick.” Yes, yucky. Yes, germy. Yes, trash….Not right now.
Butterplum, Mama was going to say Happy Half Birthday. Mama was going to say sweet words about loving you. And I will say those things later. But would you please, please, please eat something and nap? You are a whirlwind, you delicious little pat of butter. And Mama needs to sit down.
He’s Churned Butter!
Mama needs a first-class ticket to a tropical island. stat.
Unicorn, I’ll let you have the island for a while first. You deserve it. I’ll join you later. When you’ve decimated the island’s organic pineapple stash.
Churned butter, indeed. He’s that experiment where you put cream and salt in a jar and shake the crap out of it.
TKW, pumpkin, if he’s 1.5, the rest of ’em are old, and so are we. If there ever was a poster child for “Pent Up Needs a Good Cry” it’s the 2011 TKW, so if you want to bawl at my one-sided monologue with your Hazelnut, mazel tov. Enjoy. ;-)
Why did this damn thing make me cry? xoxo
Awesome! Happy half birthday Butter! You are giving us all something to smile (and groan in sympathy) about. :)
Yeah, Fie, he’s pretty danged funny, if you like that sort of thing. ;-)
this motherhood gig ‘aint for the weak of heart….. so sad and sweet and freaking exhausting! you know you did a good deed: you made 3 and almost a half seem almost cinchy compared to remembering one and a half…. twice, neither a napper, both of the churner variety, phew…. i hope you had some chocolate today and 7 minutes of peace and quiet while you were awake. you really captured the emotion of mothering the one and a half with this, if you have any energy left please be proud of yourself for a few minutes.
If I ever had another kid (which I wouldn’t), but if I did (again, there’d be some cursing and screaming and suing if it somehow happened), I’d nickname them “Butter” because you come up with the best nicknames ever, and it would be a pleasure to steal them.
@tara You and I both know 3.5 wins that battle every time. I’m guessing the almost cinchy lasted 10, maybe 15 seconds. ;-)
@ck You have to meet him. You’ll see. He’s probably more Whiskey than Butter, but that makes a good hard sauce for bread pudding. ;-)
Did you just transcribe the conversation I had with my son today? And every day? Sure looks that way (with the substitution of Cubby for Butter).
Kristin, you caught me. I’ve been following you and thought you two were both adorable and dramatic enough for a starring role in my blog. ;-) I wrote it stream of consciousness because I’m guessing every parent of every toddler has had a similar five minutes. Because that was, as you know, all I covered there. Five minutes out of the eight hundred each day.
Kisses to Cubby!
Absolutely fantastic. Must copy. Hope that’s okay.