This is way, way too much work for one sane person, so I’m seeking another to share the work. Here’s how the breakdown of how my proposed job share will go:
Both halves of the job share team will be creative, goofy, intelligent, patient, well read, loving, gentle, and sassy.
My half of the job will be to enjoy my children. To revel in their originality, listen intently to their stories, marvel in their creativity, laugh at their jokes, enjoy their antics, celebrate their achievements, cheer their efforts, foster their explorative natures, and build their self esteem, language, and knowledge. I will specialize in games, projects, smiles, and wonder.
Your half of the job will be to handle the actual parenting. To correct behavior, to guide impulses, to direct aggression and anger into positive outlets, to offer alternatives to batshit insane ideas, to anticipate and divert meltdowns, to gently socialize without fundamentally changing them, and to clean up all discharge. You will specialize in gentle discipline, positive reinforcement, and patience.
I will write novels and articles when I am not enjoying these delightful little creatures.
You will cook and clean whether or not they are being delightful.
I will get all their best moments, their hugs and kisses, and their adoration.
You will get the tantrums, the whining, and the age-appropriate bullshit (i.e., hitting, screaming, lying, swearing, and pouting).
I will celebrate them.
You will socialize them.
Please send applications to Naptime Writing c/o the unicorn right next to you.
NaptimeWriting 
The Unicorn has lemon curd. She knows how to use it. *clears throat* Catch my drift?
I was just thinking today that I want a jobshare where I get to take care of my kids, and the other person does all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, etc. I signed up to be a “stay-at-home-mom,” not a “housewife.”
I think your idea sounds even more lovely.
So if you happen to get any applicants for the above mention position, please send an suitable candidates my way. After you have choosen yours of course.
Shoot, Nap, is that all?
I often dream of having a clone of myself made, so that she can be the one to deal with the yuck of my life, while I enjoy the Filet Mignon…
One can only dream…
yo. who DOESN’T want a housewife?! SIGN ME UP! not for your jobshare, tho. for a housewife. didn’t someone say housewife??? i’m really sick of cleaning up everyone else’s crap, cooking for the unappreciative or sickly, and socializing my children by yelling at them. where’s my good little housewife?
Hmmm. The description of the job sounds like MINE, the one on top of my “real” job that is bringing in 50% of the income and health insurance.
Me? Sounding bitter? Nah.
;-)
The unicorn next to me has bad breath, a dirty pamper, dried jelly in his hair, and won’t fly anywhere without me singing the Itsy Bitsy Spider 108 times until my brain and tongue go numb. Any suggestions?
The unicorn taking applications for my job share has a leprechan riding it who keeps delivering the damn apps to the Keebler Elves! The crappy thing is I’m not even getting cookies out of the deal!
Great post – thanks for the giggle:)
Hmmm. I don’t think I’m looking for that, exactly. Do you have anything in the Lounging Around And Having Manicures category?
Nice that the unicorns are getting wider recognition as the useful beings they are. Youngest will be thrilled! ;)
An item I would add to the list: Your half will watch TiVoed episodes of Mad Men while the other half will put out on demand.
So basically you want to be the dad and someone else to be the mom.