This is way, way too much work for one sane person, so I’m seeking another to share the work. Here’s how the breakdown of how my proposed job share will go:
Both halves of the job share team will be creative, goofy, intelligent, patient, well read, loving, gentle, and sassy.
My half of the job will be to enjoy my children. To revel in their originality, listen intently to their stories, marvel in their creativity, laugh at their jokes, enjoy their antics, celebrate their achievements, cheer their efforts, foster their explorative natures, and build their self esteem, language, and knowledge. I will specialize in games, projects, smiles, and wonder.
Your half of the job will be to handle the actual parenting. To correct behavior, to guide impulses, to direct aggression and anger into positive outlets, to offer alternatives to batshit insane ideas, to anticipate and divert meltdowns, to gently socialize without fundamentally changing them, and to clean up all discharge. You will specialize in gentle discipline, positive reinforcement, and patience.
I will write novels and articles when I am not enjoying these delightful little creatures.
You will cook and clean whether or not they are being delightful.
I will get all their best moments, their hugs and kisses, and their adoration.
You will get the tantrums, the whining, and the age-appropriate bullshit (i.e., hitting, screaming, lying, swearing, and pouting).
I will celebrate them.
You will socialize them.
Please send applications to Naptime Writing c/o the unicorn right next to you.