Potential future careers

We’ve discussed before that Peanut Cacahuete Naptime wants to be a variety of things when he gets bigger. Letter carrier, worker, cheese maker, architect, nurse, helicopter pilot, fire fighter, homeless person.

I’ve started a list for Hazelnut, which he can ignore when he is older, of potential future careers based on his strengths now:
Professional Rodeo Nurser
Supreme Court Gallery Disrupter
Museum of Modern Art Starer
Long-haul Trucking Sleep Avoider
Medical Resident or Intern (or other unsleeper)
Porcine Interpreter or French Truffle Snuffler
Nude Interpretive Dancer (oh, please, don’t tell your mother about that one, H.N.N.)

The only field for which he seems ill-suited is navigation.
B: Hey, MOM! Come quick! There’s a nipple over here!
M: Um, Baby, it’s right here in front of your mouth.
B: NOOOOOO! It’s South of here! Let’s go! Get out of my way!
M: Hazelnut, it’s right here. Let me…
B: Stop touching my head! You’re keeping me from the nipple down there, somewhere way, way down there…Let’s go!
M: Buddy, the nipple is right here. Move your hands.
B: STOP!! You’re making everything too hard, Mom! You’re ruining everything! I know a nipple when I root endlessly in the pillow for one. See? This milk soaked cloth that’s now saturated because I won’t latch? This is it! I found the nipple!
M: Wow. you’re strong for a small person. But believe me, Babe, it’s right here.
B: Oh, thank goodness I got it. Right here in front of me. Right where I was telling you. Excuse me while I consume enough for three babies in the next four minutes.

If that ain’t rodeo, I don’t know what is.

10 thoughts on “Potential future careers

  1. Very funny. My littlest is not a pleasure to nurse…he fidgits(sp?) for minutes untill he gets a letdown them claws at me after 4 minutes because it isn’t flowing so freely anymore. The only time it is peaceful is in the middle of the night. A bucking bronko as well I suppose…

  2. Okay – why is MY baby trying to latch on to my stomach all the time? I swear to god, it’s NOT as big as my milk-filled boob. And yet, he wants to bury himself in my stomach. Why, I ask, why???

  3. [JC: Hey!!! That’s MY favorite line! ;)]

    Nap, I think you’re even funnier than before you had Hazelnut. And I’m not sure how that’s even possible because you were already one of the funniest writers EVER.

  4. This is so funny! As a fellow navigationally-impaired person, Hazelnut has my sympathy.

    And those truffle snorters are worth big bucks! I vote for that one!

  5. Why is it that they can never find it when it is right in front of them? I guess it’s practice for when they get lost as grown men and refuse to stop and ask for directions…

    Thanks for the laugh!

  6. I’m still wondering what happen to the “natural instinct” of nursing. Other animals don’t seem to have this hard of time.

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