Dear chemists…

I’d like to request a baby shampoo feature, my chemist friends.

Would you please find a way, between the chemical-free, safe, healthy, organic, SLS-free, all-natural shampoos in phthalate-free bottles and the chemical-filled, fragranced, toxic, cancer-causing shampoos in BPA-enhanced bottles, to create one that keeps small children from screaming as though their heads have been severed whenever said shampoo is applied?

We’ve tried Little Twig, California Baby, Nature’s Baby, Jason Organics, Dr. Bronner’s, and (on vacation) Johnson’s Baby Shampoo. All must have lye and sulfuric acid as hidden, secret government-mind-control ingredients, for my son screams as though the skin is being burned from his scalp. Even before it touches his head. That’s some strong acid.

While you’re at it, chemical wizards, could you work on the water, too? We have the same problem with any water applied to the child’s cranial area.

Please do not suggest that the problem is with the child. This is America. We solve our problems with technology and ingenuity, damnit, not with behavioral shifts.

Thanks for your better living through chemicals, y’all. Glad I could come to you with this issue and know you can apply your knowledge, skills, and multinational conglomeration dollars to saving our ear drums, heartstrings, and sanity.


10 thoughts on “Dear chemists…

  1. I had this same problem with hannah. Screamed and screamed. It wasn’t until she was like FOUR that she started calming down. Luckily Luke is too oblivious to care. He looks uncomfortable and takes these weird deep breaths as I bathe him, but at least the neighbors aren’t calling the cops on us.

    No advice here. Except maybe a helmet?

  2. Following up on Falling’s comment, you should change pediatricians. A quality provider will prescribe sedatives to get you through the bathing experience. For either Peanut or parents.

  3. Better living through chemicals…quote of the year. You are such an awesome writer. I look forward to reading your posts each day. YOur family is highly entertaining and so are you. PS I like the my first roofie too. Good one.

  4. Becca, he’ll be four soon and, if anything, it’s escalating.
    Falling, I haven’t laughed so hard in a while. Fisher Price, no less. Who’d a thunk it?
    Dan, my pediatrician sucks. She agrees with my family on all manner of parenting issues, and is as unwilling as I am to medicate the kid for issues that are CLEARLY the domain of Big Pharma. Loser. The least she could do is prescribe *me* something.
    Kitch, ragamuffin’s pretty much our approach. We rarely wash hair as often as twice a week, and he has never liked it. We’re not “allowed” to use a cup of water, a sprayer, or any tool other than hands to put water on his head. That’s efficient. We’ve settled on a program of scoop of water, forehead kiss, scoop of water, forehead kiss….it takes about 10 minutes to wash the little grouser’s curls.
    Naomi, I’m bemused to be of service. You had me laughing at your blog title, and it’s been downhill ever since. Glad I could return the favor.

  5. That’s our bath time! No more tears my ass. With Evan, I finally started making him lay down so I can rinse his hair out. For the first months, it probably looked like I was trying to drown the screaming kid. If I was trying, I would have succeeded. Now, he’ll just look up sitting. Sean, on the other hand, won’t lay down, won’t look up, won’t do anything but cry.

  6. Ah, Fae. Your boys should live in my house. Never would lie down, and now looks up while sitting, screaming “cuddle me! cuddle me!” and crying.
    Thank goodness he likes pigtails and hats. ;-)

  7. i have a secret to share with you all. it makes this little process of torturing your poor children with clean hair and bodies far quieter. one word:
    i swear to jah, i used them even today and it made me care far less when they howled and screamed as i rinsed the gentle, tear-free soap out of their ungrateful hair. yes, two screaming heads is louder than one, and makes the earplug solution even more important. scream all you want, maniacs!

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