Dear chemists…

I’d like to request a baby shampoo feature, my chemist friends.

Would you please find a way, between the chemical-free, safe, healthy, organic, SLS-free, all-natural shampoos in phthalate-free bottles and the chemical-filled, fragranced, toxic, cancer-causing shampoos in BPA-enhanced bottles, to create one that keeps small children from screaming as though their heads have been severed whenever said shampoo is applied?

We’ve tried Little Twig, California Baby, Nature’s Baby, Jason Organics, Dr. Bronner’s, and (on vacation) Johnson’s Baby Shampoo. All must have lye and sulfuric acid as hidden, secret government-mind-control ingredients, for my son screams as though the skin is being burned from his scalp. Even before it touches his head. That’s some strong acid.

While you’re at it, chemical wizards, could you work on the water, too? We have the same problem with any water applied to the child’s cranial area.

Please do not suggest that the problem is with the child. This is America. We solve our problems with technology and ingenuity, damnit, not with behavioral shifts.

Thanks for your better living through chemicals, y’all. Glad I could come to you with this issue and know you can apply your knowledge, skills, and multinational conglomeration dollars to saving our ear drums, heartstrings, and sanity.