Airport announcements

Excuse me, lady with the skin-tight satin leggings? The shiny black satin leggings? What are those, supposed to make people think you’re wearing leather pants? Do you know skin-tight is not really a good look for you? Do you remember what happened to the seat of your swimsuit when you sit on the edge of the pool? Gets all nubby and bare? Um, that’s what happened to the seat of your pants. And THAT is why you are no longer allowed on the up escalator on a crowded day like today.

Pardon me, ma’am? Ma’am? Yes, you all in leather. Leather prairie skirt, leather vest, leather coat, leather boots, leather hat? Yes. Well, um, most of the other women here have decided *not* to look like cows and we’re wondering what makes you so confident that you can cover yourself in cow and think you don’t look bovine, metaphorically? I see. We’ll note that as you pass through security.

Excuse me, sir? Yes, you. The one who is looking sweetly across the aisle at your 8-year-old son and occassionally stroking his cheek as he sleeps? Yes. Well, you’re making me feel badly for leaving my kid at home. Smiling and cheering at being free. Would you mind not expressing so much unadulterated affection for your boy? Can we pretend this is the 50s for the duration of the flight and normalize that you ignore your kid so I can get some guilt-free free wifi and sleep and quiet time? Thanks ever so very.

Hello, ma’am? Yes, I know this is the bathroom and it’s okay to brush your teeth at a bathroom sink, but you’re in an airport. And you had to carry that floss and toothpaste and electric toothbrush all the way from where ever you’re from just to feel minty fresh? Do you know about rinsing and spitting, cuz that’s almost as good, as a short term solution. Do I have to watch you remove decaying food from your oral cavity while I obsessively wash and rewash and moisturize my hands because, between preschool and four flights this month, I’m feeling a little germy? How long are you travelling that you can’t just brush when you get where ever you’re going? Where *are* you going? I’ve seen OCD dental hygeinists who spend less attention on their oral health. We’re going to have to ask you to refrain from…oh, no, you didn’t just put that in your carry-on to use on the plane. Do you eat nothing but basil spinach corn on the cob or something?
Crap. Where’s my toothbrush?

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3 thoughts on “Airport announcements

  1. don’t you dare feel bad for cheering alone-ness. celebrate! jump for joy! kick some spandex ass! hope you get more quiet time that is actually quiet and self-absorbed. bring it.

  2. Let me add my own from my recent kid-free flight: Excuse me, sirs. When conversing to decide who to call, what to do first, where to get your luggage and rental car, maybe you could take two steps to the left or right and not stand in the aisle where people actually are coming off the plane and trying to get somewhere else. Just some helpful advice from an observer who would like to board the plane you’re leaving.

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