for the record…

…the smaller you make the peanut butter cups, the more I need to eat to feel as though I’ve done something with my day. Work on super-sizing those bad boys. Then we’ll talk.

…apples are not protein. Neither are bananas. When I ask you what protein you’re going to have with your popcorn, you’d better actually name something with a complete amino acid profile. Otherwise you’re having almond butter spread on every single food you ever eat until you’re 20.

…turn signals are not optional. If you dillholes keep making me wait/threatening my life by refusing to use those signals, I will drive headlong into your stupid-ass SUV and tell the police officers that you were weaving and screaming as you hit me.

…calling yourself by a different name and trying to thrash my house and one remaining shred of sanity under the guise of having different rules at “your” house, when I know full well everything you’ve done for the past 3.75 years does *not* get you a free pass to roll all over me. Sure you can have a cuddle, whatever your name/alibi is.

…there is no reason on earth to charge that much for a cab ride. Do you know what taking the subway would cost me if it were still running this late?

…there is no reason on this earth that you need to wipe your hands on your shirt. We’ve been working on this for three years. You have two napkins by you. Use one.

…that’s nice that you love me *this* much. You still only get one movie on Movie Day.

…it’s really not okay to call your doctor’s office (or your child’s pediatrician) and curse at the office manager for not having the H1N1 yet. It’s not their fault. And, from the words of my childhood pediatrician’s office “I don’t mind being called a bitch, but one woman called me fat. i simply will not be talked to that way.” All people who lack civility go to the back of the line, anyway. And the nurse, who is too much of a professional to spit on your needle, calls your cafe and tells the barrista to spit in your overpriced attitude-worsening brew.

…I will be gone for the next four days and I don’t plan on blogging anything useful, but you never know.

9 thoughts on “for the record…

    • Thanks, jc. I’d eat protein-free popcorn for dinner if Peanut weren’t watching. I’m not sure why we treat our kids’ bodies better than our own. But I am sure that cheddar popcorn has some protein.
      Kitch, when you raise a vegetarian with a sugar tooth, you start bargaining, and the compromises might as well be educational. He knows protein because the easy veggie proteins are pretty limited and he can remember them all (beans, nuts, soy, dairy). Yes, you can have Halloween candy for breakfast. Wht’s your protein to go with it? (PLEASE do not tell him frozen yogurt has protein and is, for my money, the best complete meal in a pint there is. He does not need to know that.)

    • Dan, it’s bad enough that humans yell at service providers about anything. I have a firm policy of beginning any rant on the phone with “look, I know this is not your fault, and I’m going to say some not nice things here, but I swear, I know you are not the reason things went so mindblowingly wrong.” And it’s bad enough that parents threaten kids with shots. And it’s bad enough that my OB and my ped still don’t have any vaccine and I’m pissed not at them, not at the manufacturers, not at the gov., but at circumstances. Because everyone with H1N1 was on my flight last night.
      All I’m saying is, really? Yelling at a person who did their best and has no control? And calling names? And making every criticism of a woman about being a bitch or physically unattractive? I hate our planet.

  1. MMMMM i gave up chocolate for the month of November…..not really sure it is going to be worth it BUT…….at my corner store they sell KING SIZE peanut butter cups….only two in a pack. They are good.

    • Jen, I don’t know what religion has you giving up chocolate, but there are a lot of good belief systems on the market that allow chocolate year ’round. Look into them.
      Fae, fun-sized is the biggest fraud perpetrated on the American people by marketing dillholes. There is nothing fun about a small bar, and there is nothing fun about having 24 of them. The H1N1 *just* got here for health care workers, and even then, only for extra-super high risk (E.R., pregnant docs and nurses). Then the regular health care workers will get it, and *then* pregnant and children get it. We still have a while to wait.
      Aidan, my sense of humor is actually the cheapest one I could find. I don’t remember, but I think I got it at “intolerant and self-absorbed R Us.” If I remember where or hear they have a sale, I’ll tell you so you can duplicate my rather lame coping mechanism. I would offer to sell mine, but, as you’ve already seen, it is genuinly all I have going for me right now.
      Seriously, glad to have you here. Thanks for the kind words. You’re *totally* invited to all my online parties.

  2. Like those peanut butter cups, I can’t get enough of those “fun sized” candy bars. If they were full sized, maybe I wouldn’t eat myself sick on them. I blame the bean.
    As for the H1N1 vaccine, call your county health department. They should be able to tell you where and how you can get it because you should be at the front of the line, preggers.

  3. I like your sense of humor. Can I have it? Please? Pretty please?

    Seriously (well, kind of), this is really colorful, compelling stuff. I like your words and your voice and your perspective. And I’m in total agreement about bigger peanut butter cups. Seriously.

    Very psyched to have found your blog.

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