…the smaller you make the peanut butter cups, the more I need to eat to feel as though I’ve done something with my day. Work on super-sizing those bad boys. Then we’ll talk.
…apples are not protein. Neither are bananas. When I ask you what protein you’re going to have with your popcorn, you’d better actually name something with a complete amino acid profile. Otherwise you’re having almond butter spread on every single food you ever eat until you’re 20.
…turn signals are not optional. If you dillholes keep making me wait/threatening my life by refusing to use those signals, I will drive headlong into your stupid-ass SUV and tell the police officers that you were weaving and screaming as you hit me.
…calling yourself by a different name and trying to thrash my house and one remaining shred of sanity under the guise of having different rules at “your” house, when I know full well everything you’ve done for the past 3.75 years does *not* get you a free pass to roll all over me. Sure you can have a cuddle, whatever your name/alibi is.
…there is no reason on earth to charge that much for a cab ride. Do you know what taking the subway would cost me if it were still running this late?
…there is no reason on this earth that you need to wipe your hands on your shirt. We’ve been working on this for three years. You have two napkins by you. Use one.
…that’s nice that you love me *this* much. You still only get one movie on Movie Day.
…it’s really not okay to call your doctor’s office (or your child’s pediatrician) and curse at the office manager for not having the H1N1 yet. It’s not their fault. And, from the words of my childhood pediatrician’s office “I don’t mind being called a bitch, but one woman called me fat. i simply will not be talked to that way.” All people who lack civility go to the back of the line, anyway. And the nurse, who is too much of a professional to spit on your needle, calls your cafe and tells the barrista to spit in your overpriced attitude-worsening brew.
…I will be gone for the next four days and I don’t plan on blogging anything useful, but you never know.