Telemarketers of the world: unite!

The funniest part of this CNN article on the affadavit about improprieties between Senator Burris and the allegedly despicable and allegedly Napoleanic Illinois governor is that CNN called Blago’s house for a comment and “a woman answering the telephone at [his] home told CNN he was not available and hung up.”

Um, two things. One, get caller id. Or screen your calls with one of those newfangled answering machines. Or something, seriously, so you don’t have to answer the phone three hundred times a day just to get to the one call from grandma Sue wishing you Happy VD.

Two, the Blagojevich household is clearly an ideal target for all those of you who make your living calling us with surveys, telemarketing deals, and polls. Please call these people instead. They are answering their phones even though it’s freaking tapped by the FBI, so they’re clearly desperate to talk to someone in the outside world. They just can’t talk about federal indictments. So call them and offer them two for one on something, ask them their opinion about fuel economy, offer to send them the latest and greatest from Ronco, or call to ask whom they are voting for in 2012. Because this household is a telemarketer’s dream. I’ll betchya if you promise not to talk about the Senate or gross impropriety, they’ll talk to you for hours.

FDA-approved formula—now with added melamine!

Boy, oh boy does the government have good public relations. Today they announced that they found melamine in U.S. infant formula, but that it’s safe. (Hey. It’s safe. The FDA says so. You believe the government, don’t you? I know they said in October that no melamine in formula is okay, but now they think traces should be fine. Don’t worry.)

“Traces of the industrial chemical melamine have been detected in samples of top-selling U.S. infant formula, but federal regulators insist the products are safe.”

Sure it’s fine to feed your baby formula with some melamine. It’s not like it’s a LOT of melamine. Just a little. Like how much lead we can have in toys (which is okay, because a midnight regulation just pushed through by Bush ensures there will extra lead in the air. Mmmmm. Tasty.)

I like how the FDA will only say that it found melamine in leading brands. Won’t tell you which brand, how much, or how many tests they performed. The AP article linked above say it’s Nestle, Abbott, and Mead Johnson. How very “some of the meat sold somewhere has been killing people because it’s full of toxic bacteria” of the FDA to leave that out. But it’s only melamine. And it’s only killed a few babies in China and only hurt tens of thousands more, and killed dozens of dogs. But some got better, much like the peasant returned from his newt-like state in Monty Python, right? So let’s not do anything rash, like breastfeed, or anything.

What would happen, do you think, if we started calling “formula” artificial breastmilk? That’s what is it. It’s artificial. Not bad, but not natural, either. So if you have to call imitation almond flavoring and imitation butter by their names, why not call the powdered stuff that babies sometimes drink in place of breastmilk “artificial breastmilk”? “Imitation breastmilk”? Maybe we would have enough parents question the wholesomeness of an artificial, imitation milk in their babies that we could actually cultivate a culture that educates and supports breastfeeding moms, so we wouldn’t have so many drop out of the game who are, metaphorically and literally, breastfeeding in the dark (and in bathrooms and in the car because some people find it offensive to make your baby the best meal possible, instead of feeding it melamine.)

So dioxin is fine. And some mad cow is okay. And lead and arsenic and pesticides in our water are okay. And all those drugs that will be pulled from shelves in a few months for killing too many people are fine for now because they’ve only killed a few people.

Damn. I’d really like to have the clout of the FDA. Because they’ve been endangering lives for decades with their blatant disregard for science. Yay for distrusting science. Yay for greenwashing the harmful effects of chemicals and plastics and bleach and lead-based paint. Yay for maimed and dead children all over the world because we don’t believe in real food anymore. But we do believe in corporate profits. It’s the American way.

Read the pr industry expose Toxic Sludge is Good for You.  And then you’ll realize why I quit working in advertising.