The first rule of Parent Club is you must talk about Parent Club. The second rule of Parent Club is never laugh at them, because it will come back to haunt you.
Mom: Peanut, it’s time to get out of the bath.
M: Yup. Time for jammies. Pull the plug, please.
M: Peanut, you can have Dad dry you or Mom dry you. Which one?
[Mom and Dad both laugh. Thus begins our downfall…]
Spouse: Peanut, time to put away your toys.
S: Let’s see who can put away faster: you or me.
P: [looks right at Spouse and pauses…] Left.
M: Peanut, let’s go for a walk.
M: It’s a gorgeous day, Mama wants some exercise, and you can choose to bring a blueberry muffin or a sandwich. Which do you want?
The non-sequitors are not just for defiance, either.
S: Peanut, time to get out of the bath.
S: If you don’t pull the plug I will lift you out of the tub. And you will be sad because you like to do it yourself. And you will be cold. And I will put on your jammies and you will be a little cold and still sad. And you will get stories and songs but you’ll still be a little sad.
P: And tomorrow I’ll still be a little sad.
P: Where did we get this washcloth?
The eighth rule of Parent Club is if this is your first child in Parent Club, you HAVE to parent.