Sigh.

“Okay, sweetpea. Now that your brother is in school, let’s head this way and we’ll…
Oh, you’d rather go this way. Oh, for the light. Okay, let’s go look at the…
Hmmm. That looks like a pine cone. You’re right. A pine cone. Seeds for new trees. Interesting. Can we…
Sure. Hold the pine cone. Okay, sure, throw the pine cone. And now get it to throw again. Mmmm-hmmm. And again. Honey, can we…
A dog. Yes, that’s a dog. Woof. Want to say hi to the dog? Okay, first we ask it’s papa. Slowly, bugbutt. We want the dog to know we’re gentle. That’s right, gentle…
Okay, now we’re going, huh? Let’s…
Oh, I see, we’re going the other way. That’s an interesting choice.
Um, yes, that’s gravel. Tiny rocks. Mmmm-hmmm. Gravel. You may tough it, sure. Okay, but…oh, please keep the gravel in the yard. Not on the path. People could slip and fall.
Come on, sweets. Let’s walk to the…
Yes, I see the tree. Mmmm-hmmm. Tree. Can you walk, please? You need to touch the bark. Okay. Bark of the tree. Bark. Like skin for the tree. People skin is soft, but tree skin is rough. Rough bark. Okay, can we go now?
Uh-oh, go around, butterbug. Not for touching, please. Not for touching.
Wow, you’re fast. Running! We’re runn…
And now we’re stopping. Stopping and lying down in the dirt. Do you like the dirt? Hmmm. Dirt. Does that feel nice? Okay, let’s go, please.
Butterbean, let’s walk, please.
Do you need me to carry or can you walk? Okay, thank you.
Let’s walk this way and…
Oh, for the love of Peet’s, would you please walk this way so we can…
Mmmm-hmmm. More gravel. Yes, different. But gravel is all the…of course you need to feel the difference. Yes, sure, by all means lie down in the gravel. Gravel. Does that feel bumpy?
Okay. Let’s please go walking. Bugbean, walking. Please walk. Please.”

That recap was 3 minutes of our unceasing day. One-quarter of a block of the 3 miles we travel round trip to and from Peanut’s school each day.

I do love these moments, sweets. I really do. But I genuinely feel like I’m living on Mars. Things look slightly similar, but nothing is the same.

And I wonder if I will ever sit down again. I want to sit down and rest. I’m beginning to feel old and tired and I want to sit down. When may I do that? Oh, I see. Here in the gravel.
Okay. Sold.

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16 thoughts on “Sigh.

  1. You are painting a much more adorable picture than I have been experiencing lately. I have been going bonkers trying to ease into “toddler time” Especially when there is a 10 month old with her own needs and timing. I haven’t figured it out yet, but tomorrow is another day. I will try to view it as you have written it. If I wasn’t breastfeeding, i would look into taking something to make me less of a control freak. Do they make that drug? I’ll stick with wine.

    • And I want so desperately to let him explore the world but it *hurts* to fight back the urge to scream “hurry the f&$% up; I don’t have all day!” And while I think airplanes and helicopters and backhoes are indeed marvels of engineering, I don’t want to watch them for hours on end, nor do I want to explain calmly, AGAIN, why I can’t make “more” magically appear. So so so so cute and so so so so exhausting.

    • @Emily look into my stable of Type-A-defusers…Rescue Remedy (the drops and the pastilles) and a strong cup of chamomile tea dumped into (and diluted in) my huge water bottle. Little sips of mellow might help. Probably not, but it’s safe while breastfeeding. So is chocolate. Lots and lots and lots of chocolate.

  2. I am familiar, although haven’t used them since motherhood. Thank you for the reminder! I’m losing it….maybe the huge impending move across the country is adding just a touch to my impatience. Nah…

  3. The move is stressful, sure, but I am absolutely batshit lately, too. And the 5yo has been reasonable.
    It’s hard not to blink for two years, as you know. I remember this from the first time, but I also remember going out of my bloomin’ mind. I night weaned at 18 months with Peanut because I was thinking of ways to knock myself into a coma to get a break.
    Toddlers are hard. Sweet, funny, awesome, amazing HARD. And funny. And have I mentioned HARD? The safety issues, the learning issues, the language issues, the sleep issues, the food issues, the mess issues, the impulse control issues, the priority issues. Phew. After a toddler, the move will seem easy.

  4. When I’m really lucky, Cubby plays on the tractor in the shed and I get to sit for ten blessed minutes on the cooler stored in there. Not usually so lucky, though.

    After a very long day yesterday with him, I realized my throat hurt from talking non-stop with him (mostly AT him, as his conversational ability is somewhat limited) for ten hours. It’s like a marathon. With no euphoria at the end.

  5. “ok, mama, now that brother is in school, let’s head over here and…..”
    “you stopping?” “but look…there’s a pine cone. See? There’s seeds in this thing, it needs to be cracked open. maybe I can throw it and get the seeds out. ok, maybe I’ll try throwing again. Again. Ok, don’t mind me. One more time. Sigh. I give up.”
    “let’s say hi to the doggie. Hi doggie. Mama, dogs go woof, right?” I’ll pat him on the head a few times.
    “Do you see these little rocks? Do they come that way or are they broken? Did the rocks come from the pavement? Mama, you paying attention? These rocks… why are they broken?”
    “hey check out the tree! it’s crispy. do you see this? why is it crispy? Yoo hoo, mama, do you see this tree? YO MAMA. Yooooooo hooooooooooooo.”
    Oh nevermind.
    *runs away*
    “DIRT! DIRT! DIRT!!!!! I LOVE DIRT!” “Wanna play in the dirt with me?” “You wanna go? But there’s DIRT. You are always in a hurry mama! We Have to play in the dirt. We don’t have to go now. Can we relax? We can move the dirt around in piles. Geez, you want to go. Do you have a hot date or something?”
    “ok, fine. we’ll go. But next time, we’re playing in the dirt, ok? I can’t pass up dirt.”

  6. nap!! salutations! i didn’t fall off this world, just had an october snowstorm that knocked out the power, collapsed an insane amount of trees, blew out transformers that make my heat, oven and other important crap that sucks to fix work…. then left broken stuff to fly with small children across the country to be in my brother’s wedding, while wearing mandatory 4.5″ stilettos, very insensible footwear i proudly had no experience in… …phew, did you miss me? it’s 1:28am and i just had to stop by and say, oh for pete’s sake why are our lives so freaking parallel? dude, your sh*tty friend story could be mine, it sucked, it was like a f’in divorce and to make it worse her kid and my kid were totally in love and he still talks about her, that was the worst part, stomping on me was one thing, on him…i want to slug her even though i’d like her back and i feel bad for her kid, who i know is heartbroken over losing my kid…. blah! i totally get wanting to sit down, someone told me it was overrated, i had to say “that’s cause you get to do it”. seriously? sitting down would change my life, so would doing stuff in 30 minutes instead of 4 hours…. head wounds bleed profusely, i wish i found that out in a book instead of real life, i even might have known it already but nothing really prepares you….outside is where all things nutty, insane and impractical belong, even when it’s 37 degrees, sorry kids, get some mittens…night time maniacs; word up sistah, when will it end??…i love the 10 things you know, if staying home is saving the world, i’m a freakin superhero and i never did decide which i liked better, showers or sleep, it’s such a spiral, but i just alternate so as not to waste precious time… i know you are not alone, so hang in and try not to let your brilliant self completely chasm. occupational hazard i know.

  7. @kristen Cubby’s lucky you talk with him so much. I did with the first. This one I just watch and smile and blink slowly.

    @unicorn Spot on. That’s exactly it. And I try really really hard to just follow and listen whenever possible. Because hearing his side makes me sad, if he really does worry about my hot date. With the cup of coffee that’s over by the construction site where we sit and I drink coffee and tell him about the trucks. For at least an hour. I’m going to remember your vote for Butter, though, next time he asks me to sit in the gravel. Which, in my defense, I always do.

    @tara WHEW! That was a mouthful. Of course I missed you. I forgot, in wandering for three hours smiling and narrating and rolling my eyes that it’s reasonably warm here. And we have heat and hot water and sensible shoes.

    That, honestly, is enough to ward off the chasm. Wish I could send all those to you. Hang tight. It’s almost sugar and presents season.

  8. Pingback: A Day in the Life… | Motherfog

  9. I know that so well. But being on the other side, I can attest that it does not take much time to cross onto the other side. Honestly I don’t miss it. Does that make me a bad mom? No, I don’t think so. But the works turns into other things – not so physically demanding but still demanding all the patience in the world. Now that I think about it – patience – that is fundamental to parenting. Oh why?! I have little, if any.

    • Cathy, dear, scan the blog casually and you’ll see tons of errors. I edit for a living but can’t be bothered when I blog. Or comment. Your mistakes are safe here.
      And I cannot even fathom the patience required in the future. It has never been my strength, and though toddlerhood has grown my patience, it has also exponentially increased my rage. So. There’s that for their future therapists. ;-)

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