10 Things I Know

Just in case anything ever happens to me, here are the 10 best things I know. Because my vast knowledge might actually help someone else some day.

[Hush your mouth. I didn’t say multiple someones. I said someone. And this is the Interwebs, so as long as I’ve helped on person navigate the grammatical errors of pop songs, my life has meaning.]

[And seriously, why are you rolling your eyes, messing with someone who is writing her most powerful thoughts for you a) free to you for your unfettered use and b) after expressing that she might eventually be the victim of an errant construction-vehicle concrete-flinging accident? Dang, reader, you’re cold. I spend a lot of time by backhoes these days. You never know, you know?]

10. When a toddler won’t nap, tickle them. Makes you smile, gets them tired. Especially when you want to wring their grouchy little necks.

9. The zoo comprises the animals, but the animals constitute the zoo. (I love grammar pneumonics. My other fave is “I lie to recline after I lay the grape on the table.”

8. If you count on a child going to sleep, they will not. If you don’t particularly care, they might. Either way, don’t make any plans around a child’s sleep. Do not plan to drink after they drift off. Drink. Before. Bath.

7. There is no plural for moose, platypus, or mongoose. Do not let me catch you trying mooses, platypuses, or mongooses. (Just typing those made me die a little inside.) Don’t try meese, platypi, or mongeese. (That was a bit more fun and still sould-deadening.) There are no plurals for these mammals. (Availability of a plural does not define mammalhood. Breathing air, being warm blooded, and making milk for babies are the only requirements. Grammar has no place in science. Please try to keep up with the basic genre of my rants. The science rants are less funny.)
Don’t bother looking up that triumvirate of singular nouns, either. I’m right. Most existing references are wrong and your willingness to trust a blog on ten important items means you probably use an online dictionary [shudder] which is why I’m desperately trying to assist you now, before you genuinely need help and turn to one of those dreadful online schlock-fests.
Moose and platypus and mongoose are solitary animals and the only reason you might need the plural can be remedied thusly:
“Dear sir, Please send me a platypus. While you’re at it, please send another.”*

6. There are too many people in the world. If you feel like holing up some afternoon and hiding from the rest of civilization, feel no guilt. It’s not introversion. It’s a courteous use of space. If you feel like hiding with a book and hot cocoa, you are officially saving the world.

5. Measure the oil before you measure the honey or syrup or molasses. I don’t care for your excuses. Do it.

4. Before you have a child, please, for the love of all that’s holy and good, decide whether you like showers or sleep better. You have to. Because once a week, when you have time for just one of those, you must not waste any time deciding.

3. Where you would use “he,” use “who.” Where you use “him,” use “whom.” Please. Please.

2. Grow and make your own food whenever you can. You’ll feel good about yourself and you’ll be prepared for the zombie apocalypse. Two birds, one stone, yo.

1. The dorkier you feel about doing something, the better it is for you. Like karaoke. And bowler hats. And sleeping in the shower.

*This line blatantly stolen from an outrageously bright individual I know who has no blog and has no attorney and who probably stole it from someone else anyway and therefore I win at the Internet. I didn’t say I made this stuff up. I said I know it. It’s true. Check the post title.

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13 thoughts on “10 Things I Know

  1. Those seem pretty helpful to me. Especially number two. Especially if you have kids, because HOLY does homegrown produce taste SO MUCH better than store stuff. Gives you an advantage in raising a child who will eat and enjoy fruit and vegetables.

  2. I do find this helpful, so add me to the “someone” list. Especially the grammatical tips. I must admit that I have on occasion used the internet as my guide, only after my Mother, who is a grammar expert, is not available to proof before posting. I find this extremely annoying, this lack of attention from my Mother. She is 70, after all. What on earth is she doing flitting around town being the president of clubs and chairing organizations? And what business does she have mowing the 5 acres of land on which she lives rather than sitting by the phone waiting with baited breath to proofread my blog posts??! Seriously. Some posts have actually gone out to my 10 readers with errors. I blame her. I blame her for everything. :)

  3. You know 9 things more than me. I don’t know anything anymore, other than organic food (2). Packing, yo. Grading, yo. Studying, yo. Not sleeping, yo. Personal life gone bonkers over a bunny (not a real bunny… actually, he’s real… he’s just not a bunny.. unless you know bunnies that pack serious heat, then yes, he’s a hot serious bunny), yo. Need to start working out again, yo, since I ain’t chained to my licensing texts anymore. I think I need to consult with Emily’s supermom on time management skillz, since I’m sucking hard right now, yo. Laundry, yo. I like my new place, job starts in the new year, yo. Crazy, yo.

    Please DON’T send me a platypus. I can’t handle one more thing on my plate, yo. Actually, I can handle chocolate on my plate. That’s all tho, yo.

  4. @Kristin the only reason my kids eat anything is because they plant some of it, pick some of it, mix some of it, and blend some of it. Hummus was only a hit because Peanut worked the blender. Fava beans only because they shelled ’em.

    @Emily My mother, whom I also blame for everything, might be available to proof your posts. But I post with errors all the time. I figure this is not a job, I can change it later, and everyone makes mistakes. In every post. With one platypus or another.

    @unicorn The bunny may want a moose. If so, you may tell him “There’s a moose; hey, look, there’s another.” The singling out of one creature and then footnoting the others helps. With heat-packing bunnies, too. (My college roommate and I called them hamsters. Long story.( (Not really. Just a story I don’t want to tell on the Interwebs.) Time management skills are overrated. Day One, eat chocolate. The rest is superfluous.

  5. Unicorn…Good luck getting a hold of my Mom. I called 8 times today. I can’t remember now why, but I’m sure it was pressing. Perhaps it should have been to proof read my previous comment. She surely would have caught that it is actually “bated” breath. Not “baited”. She is a perfectionist. I blame her for my perfectionism. I’ll add that to my list. I’ll look forward to submitting posts to your Mom, naptime. P.S. I feel I need to say, I love my Mom :)

  6. Fae named him the bunny. It’s all her fault. So blame your moms away. I blame Fae. And I don’t think the bunny knows what to do with a moose. He has fuckall idea how to handle me much less a moose. Have I mentioned the bunny is hot? Dayum. Ok, he gets a moose. I’ll have to show him how to use it rather than hop around it. He’s a fast learner for some things. Someday, we’ll share the bunny and hamster stories over a nice glass of wine. Promise.

    Emily, if I could bait my breath, I would. Sooooo would. It’s not a typo. You were talking about bait for the bunny. He likes bananas. Does your mom know how to grow banana trees? Your mom is awesome. She gets a moose and a banana.

  7. Emily, your mom needs a priority check. I will send her a platypus and a moose and mongoose to remind her of her worth and vitality and editorial status. And if she needs more of any of the creatures, she knows where to ask.

    Unicorn, I forgot to ask: is he hot?

  8. Srsly smokin. Fo real, yo. Smoked bunny. I have to take another shower now. Soon I’ll be able to throw myself in the snow to cool off.
    Heading down the bunny path now….

  9. I am so relieved that I’m not the only one who re-writes sentences because I’m unsure of: the plural form, word usage, etc. Embarrassing. But so true.

  10. Not embarrassing, Jane. Means you are smart enough to know the language is flawed in random ways and that it’s easier to reconfigure the words than to trust unworthy sources. Like the Monterey Bay Aquarium, which uses “fishes” as the plural noun for “fish” on a display of what whales eat. No joke. Educational paragon of marine creatures and they say “whales eat fishes.” *Shudder*

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