4 a.m.

We’re almost out of soap.

Don’t forget to get soap

but remember to research and find one without fragrance or phthalates or parabens or all the other stuff on the EWG site and check out sanitizers too because we need to work on sanitizers and use them more and only alcohol-free and fragrance-free and what if the chemicals they use to replace alcohol is toxic and what if the toys we so carefully chose to be nontoxic turn out to be toxic and what if we move to a house with more air pollution and we don’t know and we pretend it’s okay but the ear infections get worse and then there’s asthma and loss of lung function.

I have to remember to email that woman.

I’m not sure if I should send her a hardcopy, too, since we’ve had problems with her getting emails

and while I’m emailing I’ll check in on that client and remind that friend and send out those and oh! I have to order those and print the labels and send them out but should we wait so it also has an address change and where are we going to get boxes and how will I remember to change the address with everyone and crap I think my driver’s license expired and damn I have to go to the DMV with a baby and probably a small child and what will I do if I’m sitting there for an hour and they lose it and I lose it and leave and have to go back. And is the air in the DMV filtered because what if it’s toxic?

I need to print that article and read it.

Maybe it’ll be useful for the paper I’m writing

but maybe the field has jumped ahead light years since I stopped working on it just before Butter’s birth and maybe I’ll have to read twenty journals before I start editing my piece and maybe while I’m reading those another will be published and then I’ll edit mine to reflect twenty new articles and it’ll seem better because it’ll take three months to do without a sitter or free time and maybe by the time I submit that one study I missed will be the talk of the academy and I will look like an idiot just because I didn’t freaking finish when I had the idea and the time last year and how embarrassing that I didn’t just publish it then. I should probably just give up.

I need to read that book about child development.

Feels kind of silly to only get to a birth-to-age-five book two weeks before he turns five, but it’ll be useful for the second one

except is the second one going to get more than the first because I know more and have more experience or is the second getting totally gyped because I’m already running on empty for patience, ideas, energy; and is the first missing out now that I need to pay so much attention to the second and is the second getting enough naps and attention and is the first getting enough protein and enriching activities and attention and is my work every going to get attention and what is that noise in the living room?

I think it’s supposed to rain today.

Rain helps with pollution so the air will be better tomorrow

but what happens if the rain cleans the air by adhering to particulates and pulling them down to the ground but then incorporate them into the soil and make the soil more toxic so that every rainstorm ever has polluted the soil and the baby has been eating rocks lately and the big one sometimes forgets to wash after playing outside and it turns out the dirt is the dirties toxic mass in the world and I didn’t even think about how insidious rain is because it does still clean the air which is terrible for tiny lungs, and…

[just as I posted, I found this. Thanks Universe.]

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15 thoughts on “4 a.m.

  1. Oh, Nap! Having you been listening to my thoughts…except add to that list the redefining who I am now that my youngest needs me less, and I (sometimes) only see myself as a mother, even though I was (am) defined by so many other things…

    But you are right, I won’t even remember this tomorrow…Heck, I may not remember this 15 minutes from now…

    That inner monologue is relentless and I am convinced it is draining the last two brain cells I have left…and they are battling for their lives after the copious amounts of Nick Jr. they are subjected too. Perhaps this is why I walk around trying to remember what it was that I was supposed to do…

  2. How did you manage to get that all out of you and write it down before remembering more ideas and needing to write down more anxieties and thinking of all the other things that you think about?
    Impressive, and thanks for the link, too.

  3. Love this stream of consciousness. Absolutely love it. I used to do a writing exercise with my students along these lines – what you think about when you can’t fall asleep. I swear I did it just to read them to make myself feel normal. Thanks for doing that for me tonight!

  4. Did you have a mini monkey sitting on your shoulder with a tiny telescope inserting into your brainscape and typing out everything that’s being transmitted between the synapses?

  5. And yes the fear of never ever being able to finish reading all the research necessary and not writing and publishing fast enough is one reason why I knew from the get-go I’m not strong enough for the academia. Persevere, my friend!

  6. Ah yes, such is the Mom Brain when it should be sleeping.
    Whenever mine starts to wind down and I begin to doze off, one of my cats chooses a spot within inches of my pillow and hacks up a brackish furball the size of my fist.

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