Dear goddess of babies who wake every two hours:
Thank you for passing my child off to the next goddess. I appreciate your care in those first weeks. I don’t miss you. I’m sure you understand.
Dear goddess of babies who wake every three hours:
We’ve spent a lot of time and effort with my children, oh goddess. My first child was in your care for three-plus years before you handed him over to the goddess of children who sleep all night. So I’m thinking you need a break. You’ve had responsibility for my second child for nigh on five months, and I’d like to ask that you relinquish him to the goddess next door. I know he visited with the goddess of babies who wake every five hours a few times last month, and you can see he did fine there. Your extra care and nurturing should be for newer babies who need the extra milk. Bring him next door, please.
Dear goddess of babies who wake every four hours:
Please don’t be home when your neighbor, Three Hours, comes knocking.
Dear goddess of babies who wake every five hours:
I’m calling on you, oh goddess because your wonderful, growth-inspiring nurturing is just what my son needs. Keep your eye out for Three Hours and greet her if Four Hours isn’t home. Please accept the care of my dear baby. Please watch over him and let him sleep, uninterrupted, for five hours twice a night. Help him grow and develop in whatever ways are right for him.
Unless you’re caring for too many wonderful babies. Then pass him on to the goddess of children who sleep all night. I won’t tell Three Hours, who seems to have taken a shine to my whole family. He’ll be fine with All Night and I’ll be over the moon. False idols, nothing, I’ll create a whole shrine to you.
THIS is fantastically brilliant! Or the other way around. Love it! I have been there. But your letters are so much more awesome than my cursing and uncontrollable sobbing…
I’ll pray at that shrine!
Gorgeous plea. I’m not the religious type but I will pray for you.
I have prayed to the exact same goddesses! My youngest still only sleeps up to nine hours if we’re lucky. He didn’t start sleeping through the night until he was 5 – and I’m not kidding. My MIL likes to remind me of my husband’s grandfather who survived on just 4 hours of sleep every night. I have a feeling I’m in trouble.
Oh, Jane! I thought 3.5 was awful for finally sleeping through the night. How are you a nice person AND have a low-sleep-needs child?! Peanut only sleeps 9 hours total, too. But at least now, barring several nightmares a week, it’s 9 straight through. I can’t imagine 5 years.
I feel exhausted and depleted just reading about all this broken sleep. I’m one of the lucky ones (please don’t hurtle things towards me!) with good sleepers. Makes me appreciate what sleep I get. Remind me not to complain again.
Eldest was sleeping through the night for, like, three years until we had baby. Now, he is the one getting up all the damn time. Baby sleeps okay – not great. But he does nap, which is most important to me. I can fall asleep nursing him overnight, but during the day, I need baby to give me my “me” time during naptime.
I’m finding that I do so much without any sleep. I wonder if anything I’m doing even makes any sense. Maybe my writing is like reading someone’s acid-inspired diary. I have no idea. I can barely see straight from fatigue.
Oh no! Sleep deprivation is awful. I will pray to the Goddess for you!
Ahhh you see, this is why my day is sometimes nothing but a big goatfuck, because that Godess of babies who sleep three hours keeps. on. showing. up.
There is apparently a goddess of every hour because she showed up the last few nights here for both my kids. She left me a sore throat and stuffy nose.
Sleep is over-rated anyway, right?
By the way, I love this. :)
And I thought prayer was only for the pious. Brilliant, funnny and oh so true! Most clever most I’ve come across in weeks!!
Maybe you should pray to the Goddess of I Need Energy Now? ;)
That bad? I wish I was that clever on that little of sleep.
Pingback: Freaking exhausted | Naptime Writing
I don’t do the whole goddess thing but I feel your pain and enjoyed your letters none-the-less! Very creative!
Welcome, Beth! Thanks for the kind words. Whatever you do, I hope it involves sleep! ;-)
This has got to be the most hilarious post I’ve read for quite a while. I can totally relate to you, I had a baby who woke every 2 hours for like half a year.
Heaven has a special place for mamas of babies that don’t sleep well. It’s called coffee ice cream. ;-)