Parenting FAIL

Every stinking night my kid walks out of his room well after bedtime and tells me his foot hurts. And every stinking night I feign concern and get him an ice pack. He puts it on his foot in bed and comes out twenty minutes later to hand over the now-warm bag of rice he made at school and colored and sewed himself.

Tonight he came out two minutes after the ice pack and said it’s not cold enough.

I said, calmly and firmly: “Go tell Daddy. I don’t care.”

So maybe I get an F for parenting tonight. Or maybe he gets an F for being an intense kid. Because his nightly fake sore foot is not responding to the nightly effective treatment, so maybe he’s not pretending hard enough. Or he’s pretending too hard. It’s my job to prepare him for the real world, right? Let’s call this a referral to a specialist.

So grades have been submitted but changed with permission of the Dean. Peanut gets the F. I get a well deserved drink.
Or a block of parmesan cheese.
Or pretzels and ice cream.
Or all four. Nothing like a healthy eating FAIL to go with the rest of the week.

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11 thoughts on “Parenting FAIL

  1. Yo prankster, could it be from the door slamming?

    Ok, weird confession. I can’t sleep with anything touching my feet. NOTHING, including socks. Both feet have to be off the end of the bed. One off the bottom, one off the side or elevated. It’s the insides of my feet that can’t touch, they are super sensitive to pressure. The sheets can’t be tucked in on the sides, and the footboard has to have space between the mattress. Maybe Peanut has something similar going on?

  2. Ok Peanut… The foot can’t hurt EVERY night. You also get a FAIL in creativity! You gotta switch it up a little so that mom continues to fall for your antics to keep you from going to sleep! Let’s add a little headache, or drymouth, or tummy ache, or SOMETHING else in there so we can keep mommy involved too ;)
    Oh, and I have one of these kids at home too – he always has JUST ONE MORE THING to tell me before he can possibly go to sleep. Oh, the threats that have come out of my mouth… This parenting gig is not for the weak!

  3. I hear you, sister. At least, once he falls asleep, he stays there. With my night crawler, we get the nonsense before he falls asleep and we get the nonsense once we’re dead asleep. Cheers! Pass the wine and cheese, ’cause I get an EPIC FAIL for the third kid.

  4. I’m rather impressed with his doggedness. When we feign illness, we seldom can keep the act going for 2 minutes. My kids are crummier actors than Brendan Fraser.

    I vote for the parmesan and the big drink. BIG drink.

  5. See, I’m thinking he needs a little tupperware bowl at his bedside, so that he can deposit the ice pack there when it warms up.

  6. Hmmmm. There must be something deeper here and/or something that can keep Peanut from faking an injury, but I’m not smart enough to figure it out. I thank my lucky stars that my boys are relatively easy to put to bed or I would be SOL.

  7. jc not weird at all. Hypersensitivity I get. Want us to send you a preschool-made ice pack for your feet? Oh, wait, that wouldn’t work.

    Heather, I’d give Peanut your message, but he’d get a sly grin and work hard to make the ailment different every night. I like it better this way.

    Maria, night waker he was. One year of sleeping through, so yes, we’re lucky.

    Kitch, you’re hilarious. Now picturing your gals as Pauly Shore and Brendan Fraser in the remake of Turner and Hooch. You know who the dog will be.

    Leslie, we tried that. Little boy is worried it won’t be cold again when he needs it. He has to bring it because we are, clearly, incompetent at meeting his needs. (The joke? It’s a beanbag ice pack he made at school. Thing is barely cold and warms up in twelve seconds. So the return trip it makes each night to ensure its coldness is ri.di.cu.lous.)

    faemom, it never ceases to amaze me when I watch other people’s kids do things without seventeen steps and four battles. I thought for a long time that all kids where like this. Bahahahahaha. The human race would die out. Or enslave itself.

  8. That Peanut is usually so creative. What is going on? Can’t he come up with a better excuse to get out of bed than that? How about monsters in the closet? Or dragons living in his pillowcase? Or desperately NEEDING to drink pomegranate juice while wearing a spiderman costume in the middle of the night (like some little children I know.) I vote for pretzels and ice cream. Can I join you?

  9. I say I don’t care to my kids on a regular basis. Maybe this makes me a bad mother. But I want to be honest and I make it very clear that though I love them dearly and will kill myself for them they are not the center of my universe.

  10. I am glad that you thought it over and submitted for regrading. There comes a point where what might be considered a parenting fail, actually teaches a kid something, thereby turning it into a win!

    And I’m in for pretzels and ice cream too; in fact, has anyone invented ice cream coated pretzels yet?

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