Put That in Your Not a Pipe And Don’t Smoke It

I only have five minutes, world, so you’re gonna take this without a candy coating…

If you em-effers don’t finish the em-effing 880/92 interchange by tomorrow, so help me Goddess I’m gonna freaking take a steam shovel to all that equipment and drop it into the Bay. It’s been more than 10 years, you effing dolts, and we have NOTHING to show for a thirty minute merge every freaking hour of every freaking day except more effing heavy equipment NOT DOING ANYTHING! Even my four year old today said it would be faster if you used shovels and a bucket to build whatever the effing hell you’ve been building for decades that had better em-effing be so awesome it rips a hole in the space-time continuum and restores the ozone layer, the regular temperature of the world, all the polar ice sheets, every species that has died out during our lifetimes AND Party of Five all in one blink of an eye. Because if this new freeway interchange bee-ess does not ROCK MY EM-EFFING WORLD when you finish it tomorrow (I was pretty clear, wasn’t I, that if it still shows no signs of progress for another decade you’re all gonna be forced to participate in a World’s Worst Tax-Wasting and Time-Wasting Construction Pride Parade before a crowd of World’s Most Angry Disestablishmentarians), then heads are gonna freaking roll.

Also? Lady who glared at me today? You really wanna go there, punk? Do I LOOK like I need to be messed with today? I just had a long talk with my kid about Fourth of July and how it was the end of bickering between two groups, the “Pay taxes and be quiet” group and the “we’re not paying until we get to vote” group because the latter group knew where to hide from the shooting long enough to shoot the former group. Do you think, after a conversation like that, the nuances of which lasted the whole 55 minute car ride and involved explanations of why tribal groups also got involved and what smallpox is, that I need you glaring at me? I will shoot YOU , lady, with the straw shooter or toilet paper shooter or construction paper shooters in the back if you freaking EVER look at me that way again.

Crappy food companies, quit pretending your crap is food. Crappy magazines, quit selling your crap by telling people that they are crap and you have the secret to being less crappy. Crappy people everywhere, quit your crap and get your crappy cars and crappy kids and crappy selves out of my freaking way. And crappy stores, if you sell your crappiest crap near the checkout counters I’m going to let me kid take it all off the shelf and FLING it all over your crappy store because it is some bull puckey that you put it there so my kid will whine at me to buy it. No way, no how; now I’m saving all the parents of the world by throwing this crap to my kid so he can shoot it at you with his pipe-cleaner bazooka.

Because I’ve been sitting at the 880/92 b.s. for nigh on ten years and any minute now I’m gonna go ragingly insane.

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23 thoughts on “Put That in Your Not a Pipe And Don’t Smoke It

  1. OMG, I freakin’ love you. And that last paragraph is worthy of nomination in the Things We Should All Listen To hall of fame.

  2. Hilarious. Craptacular really. If craptacular is good, if craptacular is bad then I didn’t mean it that way. It’s very dangerous to go out in public and deal with crappy crap when you’ve just had a baby. I never yell, never complain about service, nothing. Except once in Best Buy, just after having the twins, and I almost had to be restrained. Ugly.

    Hang in my craptacular friend.

  3. Aw, crap, I mean the FOURTH paragraph.

    Side note: what the hell is wrong with me that I can’t count? Probably all the spending quality time with my kids this summer. Am exhausted and frazzled on so many levels…not that I don’t love them. I just need a freakin’ second to THINK A COMPLETE THOUGHT!

  4. Am just going to quote my fave part, as I’ve done such a hideous job of explaining.

    “Crappy magazines, quit selling your crap by telling people that they are crap and you have the secret to being less crappy. ”

    Sorry for the comment binge here.

  5. I love it when you rant. I found it hot as hell.

    Did you write this when you were trapped in traffic on the effing 880/92? (I hope these are roads you were talking about and not some code name for something else…) And I want a pipecleaner bazooka!!!

  6. Inkster, you falling apart? sheesh girl, GET A GRIP! If you grip your newly-cut bangs with both hands, you might be able to get that 1/2 inch back in two minutes. Not two minutes by the west coast clock of the effin transpo dolts, but by Chuck Woolery’s 2 min and 2 sec time standard.

    I miss Party of 5 too.

  7. Oh Nap! How long did you have to sit in that mess this morning/evening? And for the record, there have been many a time that I thought I was going to go junior high on some dumb lady who gave me a nasty look, too!

    Hang in there girl. Maybe they just forgot to pickup their big toys and they need to go to time out….

  8. JC, I do not have bangs. But yes, I appear to be falling apart.

    Courtesy trying to do something while also referring an argument about who gets to play with that toy FIRST and who gets to play with it in TWO MINUTES from now. While explaining for the billionth time why we can’t go to Texas right now and probably not in the foreseeable future, which for no apparent reason, has become the most fervent wish of Youngest.

  9. Oh my god… 880/92. It’s the worst. When I’d drive to work, I’d take 92 to 880, and merging onto 880 was the longest part of my 35-mile trip. It wasn’t always that bad from my end. It was when they split up 92 for part of it going to Hayward and the other part to 880 that really made it a mess. The last school year was the worst driving ever for me. I’d drive over and give you a high-five on that, but I bet I’d have to merge onto 880, and yeah, I like you A LOT, but it’s just not worth it. So here’s a cyber-five instead. See? Wasn’t that quick and easy?

  10. Inky, I adore you and really feel better now, honestly, that you are as frazzled as I feel. Thanks for shaving your head in honor of my pediachemo, Ink.

    Tara, I thought you might like that. Best Buy is enough to make anyone go postal, for the record, as are newborn twins. Put ’em together and you get genuinely craptacular days. Craptastic!

    jc, I know it’s not a phlebotomy rant, but I just didn’t have the time to hone it. Also, I know some phlebotomy jargon and the construction bee ess is way out of my league, linguistically.

    subWOW, yes freeways. And Peanut will make you a pipe cleaner bazooka. And raffia sandblaster.

    Fie, that interchange, the 880/92 of my youth was uneventful. Now that cluster of unused heavy equipment and pillars to nowhere makes me want to carve every politician and CalTrans employee I can lay my boxcutter on.

    Dr. No, Good to hear that you’re c’est-ne-pas-ing all over the place. C’est ne pas une crapball, damnit!

  11. Magnolia, you were commenting just as I was…I didn’t ignore you.
    Of course you can use my powers for good. My writing students learned on the first day of class I didn’t care if they could parse iambic versus trochaic (sorry, Fie) but they’d better learn how to write a letter to PG&E politely demanding their deposit back. Pretty sure a rant ain’t it, but you may use my anger as a teaching tool any day. ;)

  12. Nap, you’re the sweetest for making me feel better that I am a total idiot.

    Hearts, stars, and unicorn stickers to you!!!

  13. Your rant just made my rant look like NUTHIN. I have to work on my ranting skills.

    Fuckity Fuck Fuck how I hate traffic and bad drivers and Parents magazine.

    XO to you.

  14. Iambic pentameter isn’t really relevant to composition, so I’m not offended. And honestly, when I teach Shakespeare, regrettably, the verse is the last thing I care to talk about. I’m just not into poetic form as much as the ideas found in the plays. I’ve had a couple of students complain that we don’t spend time on the poetic form in my class, but I told them they should take a poetry creative writing class if they want to learn about that stuff. It’s not my bag, baby.

  15. undine and dirtdonthurt, thanks. No point in being so angry if I can’t get an amen.

    Fie, I do find that the use of a throchee or anapest in the midst of an established iambic rhythm does have bearing in composition intentionally establishing and disrupting rhythms for effect can convey volumes of meaning almost effortlessly. That said, it’s way more advanced as a concept than English 1A students need. But prose, comedy, drama, and even allegedly dry scientific prose all benefit from practiced use of beats, and iambs are as basic as you can get.

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