Repost: Laws of Motion, Child Sized Version

(repost, as in “to post again,” not as in “offensive follow-up to a parry,” of musings from February 2009)

First Law: net inertia. Subjects at rest tend to stay at rest until you settle in. Then they spring into action, usually of the death-defying (or at least social-convention-defying) sort. Conversely, subjects in motion will tend to stay in motion until such time as you enjoy their motion. Then they will stop.

Second Law: F=ma. The relationship between the force needed to cajole a small person into even the most pleasant task is Force=(minutes needed to perform task without small children)x(age, in years, you feel after the task is complete). Exempli gratia, force required to put on child’s shoes=(.25)x(57)=14. Units may vary. 14 minutes, 14 different techniques, 14 different pair before they finally agree to leave one on, 14 threats to leave without said child if they don’t put on their flipping shoes NOW…

Third Law: For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. You get dressed, they glitter paint the cat. You prepare breakfast, they remove all the tape flags from your research books. You strike up a conversation with the clerk at the market, they strip down naked and run away laughing.

You don’t see how those are equal and opposite? You must possess logic and reason, then. Ah. You must not have children.

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8 thoughts on “Repost: Laws of Motion, Child Sized Version

  1. Hey, no need to explain. The Law of Impossibility is to the third power over in my neck of the woods.

    Thanks for the laugh this morning!

  2. Glitter Paint For Cats would sell like hotcakes at the toy stores. I also imagine For Dogs, Parakeets, Hamsters. But Not Frogs (they breathe through their skin) and Not Fish and Not Plants.

    A friend of mine’s kid covered their dog in stickers. The Whole Dog. Head to tail in stickers. And not just small wimpy stickers. One was a bumper sticker across the entire belly of the dog. Result: one shaved dog and a kid on eternal time-out.

  3. Lovin’ this! This must be the pamphlet given to each new born – not shared with the new parents of course! I’m quite certain that both of my children have read it!!!

    • Okay, just for the record, the cat was more smeared with gluey and glittery hands than actually painted with glitter. We do a lot of work with glitter paint here at Chez Nap, because Peanut loves him some pink glittery accessories. But the cat was kind of in the way and the glue and glitter kind of just got all over him while I tried to shower. Kind of.

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