I believe that there are many appropriate uses for my blog: entertainment, musings, politics, professional endeavors. One use I find unacceptable, in part for the permanence of ravings on these interwebs and in part based in a basic sense of decorum, is to air the dirty laundry or the unabated joy of my marriage. (There isn’t much of the dirty, since Spouse is in charge of laundry, which is washed and dried relatively quickly. Left to wrinkle in the dryer or crammed haphazardly in cupboards, but who am I to judge, since I haven’t done laundry in ten years?)
Anyway, I figured that the things I need to say, whether cloyingly sweet or ragingly angry, are more useful to you if you can play along and find either relevance to your own relationships or find amusement in my refusal to commit to strong language…nay, any language whatsoever.
So here you go. My version of Mad Libs, a special edition just for this week in my marriage.
Oh, my [ noun ]. My significant other is being a(n) [ adjective ] [ noun ] this week. In fact, this [ adjective ] [ noun ] is off-the-charts impressive. Not only do my [ plural noun ] not seem to [ verb ] to my partner, but [ pronoun, possessive ] [ noun ] is about as [ adjective ] as I’ve ever seen. It’s terrific timing, of course. We have a(n) [ adjective ] [ noun ] and a(n) [ adjective ] [ noun ] to deal with, I’m recovering slowly from a rough birth, and this is when my life partner feels it [ adjective ] to have a(n) [ adjective ] [ noun ]. After many long discussions, [ pronoun ] [ verb, past tense] my opinion and our family’s needs and [ verb, past tense ] a(n) [ adjective ] [ noun ] of [ noun ] on a [ expletive ] [ noun ]. But even that hasn’t [ verb, past tense ]. [ Pronoun ] is being a(n) [ adjective ] [ noun ], really, [ verb, active participle ] my needs and our children’s needs to [ verb ] on the [ noun ], [ verb, active participle ] about some [ adjective ] [ noun ] that, granted, my dear one is responsible for, but now [ pronoun] is [ verb, active participle ] time verb, active participle ] the real jobs around the house and in our lives.
What a [ noun ].
NaptimeWriting 
yeah. that’s the shit.
[coined term ending in –izzle], j.
Oh, my grapefruit. My significant other is being a rotten banana this week. In fact, this squeaky chair is off-the-charts impressive. Not only do my dishes not seem to break to my partner, but their fork is about as marbled as I’ve ever seen. It’s terrific timing, of course. We have a cranky fan and an awesome breadmaker to deal with, I’m recovering slowly from a rough birth, and this is when my life partner feels it lowfat to have a soft pretzel. After many long discussions, I chopped my opinion and our family’s needs and sliced a mushy tomato of basket on a fucking grill. But even that hasn’t steamed. He is being a dull knife, really, active-participling my needs and our children’s needs to fry on the trashcan, dangle-participling some more about some moldy cheese that, granted, my dear one is responsible for, but now he is still active-participling 6:50 active-participling!!!11!! the real jobs around the house and in our lives.
What a participle!
Oh, my Harry Reid. My significant other is being a thrifty iron lung this week. In fact, this purple wok is off-the-charts impressive. Not only do my ears not seem to frappe to my partner, but its eggplant is about as turgid as I’ve ever seen. It’s terrific timing, of course. We have an irritable baboon and a sluggish colon to deal with, I’m recovering slowly from a rough birth, and this is when my life partner feels it hilarious to have a frontal lobotomy. After many long discussions, he darned my opinion and our family’s needs and pole-vaulted a svelte igloo of pudding on a shitty former governor of Alaska. But even that hasn’t knitted. They is being an obese platypus, really, tickling my needs and our children’s needs to roam on the veldt, honking about some truculent hot dog that, granted, my dear one is responsible for, but now we is lifting time basting the real jobs around the house and in our lives.
What a John Boehner.
Ok. I simply LOVE this. I’m going to bookmark it so I can play when I’m less than thrilled with my significant other. Perfect post! Oh, and I’m still reeling over the fact that you haven’t done laundry in 10 years. You will just die when I share what my sweet husband said after I returned from a recent trip. “Oh great! You’re home. I’m out of pants.”
I can only imagine what your version said! What a creative way to vent and really say nothing negative! I love it!
Wow. Respectful, scathing and hilarious – you’re good.
That is a seriously [adjective] [noun]. It’s [adjective] to know your significant other is [verb+ing] and [verb+ing] lately, since you’re [adverb][adjective]. What a [noun]!
jc, you slay me. I just wish I had an awesome breadmaker in addition to this [adjective] [noun].
Dan, only you would put a sluggish colon in a Mad Libs. Kudos. It’s a pretty apt metaphor. And the turgid eggplant has me giggling like a middle school student in SexEd.
Jane, we all have our crosses to bear. I decided pretty early I’d put up with a lot of [noun] to avoid laundry. Mostly. I have, of course, done a load or two in ten years. Like when my SO is out of town and I need pants, for instance. Sheesh. hope yours is good for something else, cuz that’s some b.s.
It was fun, Maria. And who knows…it might be all positive!
Thanks, Macondo. Nothing like a touch of funny to make you less [adjective].
Melissa, you are so [adjective] and [adjective] that I bow to you!
This is so awesome. This is exactly why you are one of my favorite people on the planet. You creative cuss, you.
TKW, you just love that I’m a sassy britches, because you’re such a minx yourself.
The original:
Oh, my stars. My significant other is being a delicious blueberry this week. In fact, this sunshiney week is off-the-charts impressive. Not only do my quirks not seem to bedazzle my partner, but his buttercup is about as truffly as I’ve ever seen. It’s terrific timing, of course. We have a delightful preschooler and an adorable newborn to deal with, I’m recovering slowly from a rough birth, and this is when my life partner feels it heavenly to have an adorable puppy week. After many long discussions, he sacheted my opinion and our family’s needs and made a blissful repose of moonlight on a damned caramel. But even that hasn’t snuggled. He is being a springtime sunshower, really, hugging my needs and our children’s needs to sprinkle on the sugar, giggling about some delightful rainbows that, granted, my dear one is responsible for, but now he is cherishing time chocolating the real jobs around the house and in our lives.
What a delight.
Seriously. That was the original. No, really. Don’t you all feel terrible for assuming the worst…
lying liars and the lies they tell!
rotten rotters and the rotten rot they till!
dangling participles and the dangling they dangle!
I used to not complain about my hubby on my blog because I was worried what he’d think if he read it. But then I realized that he never reads it, so I don’t hold back.
I know you’re probably right not to air relationship laundry on the blogosphere, but I have a lack of restraint that only a writer could be proud of… Shrug.
and for that, I *dig* you, Fie!
I cultivate lack of restraint in most things and, believe me, need an outlet for some of my less appealing emotions. But I think I need an anonymous blog for the posts left in my draft folder.