in which I do *not* thank the Academy

I would like to thank most of the English-speaking world for thoroughly screwing up some damned fine names. This whole baby naming process is much harder after the havoc wreaked by parents, novelists, and serial killers. Thanks for making our list much shorter.

You’re one of the big winners, F. Scott Fitzgerald. Daisy could have been lovely, but you made her a self-involved boor.

You, Marlon Brando, have completely eviscerated Stella for us. Others are brave enough to withstand the bellows, but we’re not.

Thanks a lot, popular culture, for ruining Chester. We daren’t name a molester.

You also did some damage to the grown-up possibilities of Cherry. And Dick (which is not a name we covet, but between the penile and the vice presidential, there might never be another person named Dick ever).

Sesame Street, you’ve killed great early century faves like Kermit and Grover. Not sure how Ernie still survives, but show me a kid named Bert and I’ll name my next child Elmo.

Benedict? Gone. Brutus? Not in a million years. Adolf. Of the radar. Lucifer…hey, now we’re talking!

18 thoughts on “in which I do *not* thank the Academy

  1. Ha! And when you are a teacher, and you have a particularly difficult student, their name is forever crossed off your list…So sorry!

  2. jc I was actually temped to name a girl George for George Sand and George Eliot. But all of 10 people know them and the rest of the world remembers W.

    Dan, a friend’s family went ahead with Damian. Seriously, do they not participate in popular culture?

    Jane, you’re a delightful creature.

    Kitch, yup, Iago. And Yorrick. Poor, poor Yorrick. Clearly, though, Mr. Hooper would be fine. (I’m quite glad Daisy is gone just because I’d rather have the Mediocre and Self-Involved Gatsby occur to me now and not in 10 months.)

    Maria, that’s why I keep my circle of friends really, really small. We’ve already crossed off two names from the preschool and I’m trying not to meet anyone in the next few weeks. ;-)

  3. Hazel.
    Would you like a peek of our list?
    Actually that’s a blog in of itself. But now my dad is pushing “Doctor” because that way we have one in the family. Yeah, I rolled my eyes too.

  4. I love the sound of Salome but I couldn’t stomach the idea of naming a baby after her considering the bad rap she’s got going in the Bible. (Even though I’m a Baha’i. I still don’t want my daughter being told she is named after a Biblical erotic dancer.) Oh well. I didn’t end up with a girl anyway. All that pondering for nothing.

  5. I have a Hazel and a Clyde and an Ivy. Clyde was likely a mistake, since that guy was a mass murderer and also very short and well, just an all around bad guy. My Clyde is going to be pretty short too, so perhaps that’s alright.

    • Someone actually suggested Holden for mine, Tara, then read my long rant on the self-involved, generation-informing Baby Boom clusterf**k that is Catcher in the Rye. I’m gonna pass on that one.

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