Lessons from the Olympics

Every two years I learn a bit more about human nature from watching the Olympics. Here’s what I’ve learned this time.

1) There should be compulsories in every life pursuit, including citizenship and parenting. Required maneuvers, put your own stamp on them, but prove you can do the basics, or GET OUT.

2) People who genuinely succeed in life see the big picture. “I’m here to do my best, and in that performance I achieved something I’ve never done before. It was a personal best. That’s the point, and I’m thrilled with actually doing my personal best.” People who live like leeches off successful people, for instance those who produce and write and report on television, have a completely f—ing screwed view of life. “He’s been having a terrible Olympics. yesterday he came in 13th and the day before 18th.” In the WORLD. Because he did his absolute best, and so did everyone else, and 12-17 bodies happened to just fire a bit faster on those two days. You “television personalities” are the oxpeckers of our culture.

3) Any sport that involves going faster than the human body can travel on its own is anathema to mothers. Wanna cross country ski really fast? Cool. That’s like running. Wanna hurl down a mountain at freeway speeds with just a helmet and goggles to protect you? Mama says NO. Serious negative bonus points if your sports is named after the part of you that could break…say, maybe, skeleton.

4) Holding your skate is not impressive. All that other stuff…wow. Holding your skate is really really dumb and I wish you’d stop it.

5) The absolute worst pseudo-food, food-like products are advertised during these sporting events, as though somehow putting those food-like substances in your body will make connected us to world-class athletes. Mmmmmkay. I’d rail against this faulty logic except that most of America gets suckered by this, just as they believe that pseudo-food will get fat, balding, short, flatulent men the tallest, thinnest, most intelligent and beautiful women. You just go ahead and think that, America.

6)The world will be a better place when ice fashions eliminate the flesh-toned stretchy fabric crap. “Oh, my. It looks as though she’s basically naked. How will she leap and twirl…oh, wait a minute. I see. It only looks as though there’s no fabric there. How clever. He didn’t bedazzle his flesh, he simply bedazzled some fleshy nylon. Kudos. It allows us to pretend to see her whole back and midsection without actually revealing anything, heaven forbid, in that skin tight everything-but-labia revealing dress.” You know what else makes a costume look like skin? Skin. Some of the fine competitors this year used their own skin to look like skin and it worked wonderfully well. You know what else holds up outfits? Real fabric. Straps of it or swaths of it or whole pieces of it. Other competitors used fabric. In bright colors or tasteful neutrals. Also worked quite well. This 1970s body stocking bullshit simply has to go. Thanks to the competitors who have already realized that.

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28 thoughts on “Lessons from the Olympics

  1. Wait, are you saying that Olympic athletes don’t subsist on chicken McNuggets? That these french fries won’t add .0000007 mm to my ski jump? Bummer- but great post.

  2. I’ve been watching with the closed captioning or mute. Oxpeckers is a mild term for the names I have for the mofos.

    Because of the death, and all the accidents on the track, I’m really having a hard time enjoying the luge, skeleton, and bobsled because of the possibility of seeing someone die live in front of my eyes. I wish they wouldn’t have shown the luger’s death. Totally disrespectful. A bobsled flipped over earlier today, there were a bunch of skeleton disasters, it goes way beyond cringeworthy to think that someone may get seriously injured or die. And they keep showing JR Celski’s bloody near-death accident from last year.

  3. Hey, Doc, good to hear from you! And I’m sure the spicy sauce available only for a limited time is the secret speed sauce of the Olympics and will improve your triple jumps. Something about Nugget and Salchow must be synergistic.
    jc I completely empathize. I can’t watch any of that stuff. And I cringe when they even announce the event because I picture all manner of terrible stuff. At least the bobsledders have their little car thing, but the concussions I’ve seen in skiing have me watching, seriously, only cross country, biathlon, figure skating, and speed skating. Even in the latter they keep showing shattered bones and sliced legs. But they also have Apolo, so I can’t look away.

  4. McNuggets and Salchow are synergistic–hahahahaha. You are the funniest chick.

    I’ve been watching those fast-track events in obscene fascination, just waiting for disaster. And don’t even get me started on aerial skiing…

  5. Great observations! How did we get so dumb that we can actually believe that the junky food they are pushing is actually good for us and more importantly, why are American Olympic competitors linking themselves to this stuff???

    And yeah, I agree, the human body should not be traveling at over 90 mph without steel encasements and a seat belt…the helmet, not so much for saving your life! Talk about helping give Mama a coronary to follow those fries…

    Thanks so much for the morning chuckle!

  6. The oxpecking television personalities do suck.

    I missed the skin tutu but caught a trailer for tonight’s ice dancing. Thanks to the oxpecking producers, I thought I was watching Dancing With the Stars on Ice. It was a little disturbing.

    And Bob Costas saying something along the lines of “Lady GaGa wants us to look at the tallies brought to you by McDonalds” was just bizarre.

    very funny post. came by way of TKW

  7. I hate Dick Button, but I have to agree with him that grabbing the skate during your performance just to score points is BAD. Everything else they do is amazing…until they grab that skate and stick their leg straight out. I though it was cool when Denise Bielman did it in 1981 while spinning, but it has just gone too far.

    Kudos for the post.

  8. Faux nude is the new black, hadn’t you heard?? =>

    Thanks for making me laugh today … while my child screams from the timeout chair. (Maybe she needs some McNuggets?)

  9. No tv, so no watching… just some quick checks on the ‘net…

    So your post was splendid! Loved it. And yeah, why can’t we let go of the flesh-colored fabric. Ick. Ick times 2. blech.

  10. Love this! And thanks to TKW for pointing us in your direction. Indeed, Mama says no to a lot of things (sanity and stretch marks do warrant a bit of attention on the part of our offspring).

    Crossing my fingers that my sons stick to jogging and tennis.

  11. Kitch, when the guys watch aerial I leave the room. But the fast track stuff is infinitely worse to me. Super G terrifies. Why doesn’t the halfpipe scare me? Those dudes freaking rock it. All three of us cried when Shaun hit his superdooperwhateverhewantstocallit. Geez freaking Louise.

    Maria, I’m laughing at the coronary that follows fries plus fast track. Maybe they’re trying to promote population control by killing us all off with this stuff.
    Michelle, I’m watching primarily online because Spouse so loathes Costas that he’s not willing to connect the rabbit ears (we don’t really have TV except if we jump through hoops to get some broadcast), but that sounds truly surreal.
    anothershood…I had no idea Mr. Button shares my skate-holding-hatred. See how much more professional I seem if I just blather long enough?
    Stacia, nothing says timeout like washing their mouths out with McF-ck’s dipping sauces.
    Suzicate, you have the best taste on these here interwebs! ;-)
    wild, I’m with you watching online.
    littlebigwolf, I’m hoping my kid sticks to chess. Or curling, which seems harmless enough, if ruthless and devious. My kind of sport.

  12. If you think the oxpeckers are bad, you should here the discussion of which female curler is hotter in my living room. My male children have driven me to my laptop and my bedroom – which I need to finish cleaning – as I can’t stand listening to the two of them.

    This is fantastic! So glad TKW sent me over here. Off to share you with Twitter.

  13. This is hilarious. I couldn’t agree more! To your point about holding the skate, have you also noticed that in couples skating when the guy lifts his leg over the woman’s head it looks like he’s about to crap on her? Where do they come up with this stuff? =)

  14. LOL. Thank you for the comment on the fleshy-colored fabric. It reminds me of elementary school productions. And nowadays, even the littlest ones don’t wear those things any more! (Perhaps they are the ones that should not have shown so much skin?…)

    I wonder how people like the P&G “We are on the MOM team” commercials. I want to puke…

  15. I am truly fascinated by the fashion choices throughout the Olympics. Especially the male figure skaters. I always wonder if THEY describe to a designer what statement they are trying to make and they then see sketches where they say, “no, more skin showing please”, or, “More sequins in the crotch area” or, “more stripes to minimize my hips”… or whether they have a stylist who just hands them their unitard and says, “Here, this will work well for your image this year”. Fascinated I am.

    This was great. Hysterical, really.

  16. “Holding your skate is not impressive. All that other stuff…wow. Holding your skate is really really dumb and I wish you’d stop it.” I can’t agree more and I’ve always felt like this but thought I was the only one that felt that way. And one more thing. I’m soooo with you on the nude ice-skaters. If I wanted to watch nude ice-skaters I’d just saunter over to the local strip joint. Thank you very much. Amen.

  17. Nicki, I dread puberty in my house. For my son and my husband. They’re gonna be unbearable if either of them ever grows up.
    Phoo-D I laughed so hard I wet myself. Not entirely your cleverness, given the extreme pregnancy, but mostly because of your your cleverness. Your analysis would be *so* welcome on my version off RTV…Real Television for people who have taste and can’t stand stupidity.

    Hey, Becca. I wonder the same. I’m sure there are some of each…the prescriptive skater and the “what’d you make me?” skater. But I can’t imagine ANYONE who doesn’t want more crotch sequins.
    Organic, my sweet, please note that I’m all for nude ice skaters. I just don’t want fake nude. Either use fabric or don’t, but you’re not fooling anyone with your revolutionary fabric from last century. I slay me, though, with the “just stop it.” Like I’m parenting ice dancers or something.

  18. I’ve only seen the Curling so far. I’m trying really hard to wrap my brain around it all. I think I actually like this sport. I’m a bit of a chicken sh*t so Curling is right up my alley. It’s pretty difficult to be injured while participating in this one.

  19. Did you see the announcer Mary making out with Colbert the Moose?

    I’ve reserved crotch sequins for the unitard I make for Bob Costas.

    Phoo-D, thank you for the visual. Scarred. For. Life.

    • I heart you, jc. And I, thank heavens, I have seen none of Mary’s antics, save the Mounties nonsense. And then only because it preceeded Apolo action. You know what a sucker I am for Apolo-ness.

  20. Ok – I think this is one of the BEST Olympic musings I have read, ever! But maybe that’s because I agree with everything said here – including submom’s comment on P&G’s “Mom Team” commercials. Gag me!

  21. Ha, number 5 is SO true! Does McDonald’s really think that a Big Mac will produce a gold medal skier? Puh-lease.

    And if my kids even attempt that ski-cross stuff, I’ll kill ’em.

  22. Pingback: What I learned from the Olympics*… *Not what you think

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