*Warning*
This post not for the squeamish. Or those who still think I should dump our cats in the Bay. If you’re easily creeped out or a cat-hater, come back tomorrow. I’ll write something lovely. Or depressing. But at least not gross.
*End Warning*
I’ll spare you the intro and get right to the phone call with the vet. Or rather, the vet’s office, populated with, as you will see, freaking jerk-ass zombie idiots sent to this planet to torment me.
Me: I’m calling to check the results of the sample I left yesterday (for my indoor cat, who should really stop licking shoes as a pasttime, else risk this particular medical issue again.)
Freaking Jerk-Ass Zombie Idiot Sent to This Planet to Torment Me: Let me check. [on hold for two minutes.] It came back negative.
M: Really.
FJ-AZIStTPtTM: Yes. Negative.
M: The sample I brought that was crawling with worms came back negative for worms?
FJ-AZIStTPtTM: Yes, ma’am.
M: I don’t have a lot of critical thinking skills lately, but I’ll try this one: which type of worms doesn’t show up on this $30 test?
FJ-AZIStTPtTM: Let me check. Hold on. [on hold for two minutes] Ma’am? What did the worms look like?
M: [I give description I will spare you, but which was heard by this same Freaking Jerk-Ass Zombie Idiot Sent to This Planet to Torment Me yesterday when I dropped off the specimen and the day before on the phone.]
FJ-AZIStTPtTM: Okay. Hang on. [on hold for five minutes.] Ma’am? I’m going to have to call you back.
She doesn’t. Shocking, from a freaking jerk-ass zombie idiot sent to this planet to torment me.
An hour later I call the clinic again and get a recording saying they’re closed, and please don’t leave a message but call back when they’re open.
Look here, you $%^&#^%&)*#)($%^)*%^ers!!!! I spent ten minutes on the phone Monday, an hour of my precious child-free time on Tuesday, and now 15 minutes of my time today to find out NOTHING except that, now, the second cat has contracted the same @#(*$^%(*#@$ parasite that the first one has, in my house with a &@#&$*^*$ four-year old and adult male whose hygeine habits are suspect, approximately 2-4 weeks before I shoot a baby out of my lower personage? Really?
Really?
Are you serious? Do you want to rumble? Do you? Because really, genuinely, seriously? I can bring it, bitch. And if any of the humans in my family get this disgusting parasitic affliction because you’ve been INCOMPETENT, I will bring their “samples” daily to your waiting room and smear them on the walls.
Try me.
NaptimeWriting 
I bet their walls have all kinds of smear on them already, years of it no doubt. That’s nothing new. Aim for their purses and shoes. Leave them presents like cats do, in places they will find the goodies. That’ll learn ’em.
Bleahhhhhhhh! Gnarly!
And those employees deserve any kind of excrement you could fling their way. Preferably worm-ridden.
Perhaps you should consider switching to a different veterinary practice? I bet you can find better, as this one seems to have set the bar pretty damn low.
Strange. From your description, it sounds like your vet is employing the lab technicians from the hospital where I work.
The sample crawling with worms tested negative for worms? Say what?
Ok, plan B: delete the thought of calling the asshats back, order the worm medicine from 1800petmeds or whatever that is and then make Spouse do a heavy-duty cleaning of the hearth and home.
Poor you! Like you need this right now!
I’m not much of an animal lover, but even I would say that this vet sucks. Get thee to a different vet! Or alternately, get the de-worming meds that Ink suggested. I really hope that this gets taken care of before baby springs forth.
Positively disgusting AND horrible that you were treated (or not treated, as the case may be) that way. Sounds like that “Freaking Jerk-Ass Zombie Idiot Sent to This Planet to Torment Me” is messing with the wrong lady. You go, girl!
Not that you need another thing to do, but I would be tempted to haul my 9-months-pregnant self down there and rest my baby belleh on the counter while asking loudly about the WORMS THAT AREN’T THERE I BEG YOUR PARDON?!
Also, Dan? Um, remind me not to come to your hospital.
I am so so sorry that this is happening to you….but frankly your post is wonderful and hysterical and I am enjoying a belly laugh that is making it hard to type!!! THANKS! good luck. They haven’t got a chance!!! (The worms, or the idiots)
Okay, so the update is that after I called this morning, they want me to bring in another sample so they can see the worms. Because the lab got the first one, see, and the description isn’t enough, see, and…I started crying on the phone. She offered me a Saturday appointment. Gee, thanks. Just what I want. To pay you more to see you in person. Oooooh, oooh, also, to collect another sample. Lucky lucky me. Hell, sign me up for two appointments because I’m THAT sadistic.
jc…in shoes and handbags. YES! Technique adopted. You’re devious, you know. And I dig that.
Kitch, you know you’ll have to hold me back…
Squadrato and Fie, I will get a new vet after this fiasco. But all the local vets say I have to start with a full exam, and I’ll be damned. I could diagnose these freaking cats with my graduate degree in Literature, so I’m keeping my $100 exam fee and flinging poo starting tomorrow.
Dan, what kind of physician needs a lab to diagnose? Can’t you just ask them to bring in another sample so you can see what they’re talking about?
Ink, I totally thought that, but figured it’d be quicker to have a local vet actually hand me meds. Foolish. Plus, I can’t for the life of me determine which type of worms, and the meds depend on a good i.d. These are like mutant alien morphed cross pollinated worms that fit half of all the descriptions and look like no photo. Thankfully, I’m nesting, so I steamed all the hardwood floors and the two carpets this weekend. I freaking excoriated the counters and tabletops. I exfoliated the litter boxes. I sanitized the wall switchplates, too, just in case. I’m still all skeeved out, though.
Jane and Falling, you might want to step back while I disabuse the vet staff of their incompetence. I come from a long line of ass-kickers and I don’t want to get any of this on you.
bloginsong, I had to go for humor, and I’m genuinely pleased it worked. Cuz when you can make parasitic infestation amusing, you’re cooking with gas.
Oh man, this sucks. And pray tell, being pregnant, how did you NOT vomit when you saw the worms? My dog had them and I did not eat for weeks. Blah.
In this case, I would probably not have bothered with the lab. What with the visible worms, and all. But sometimes one needs a lab in order to make the correct diagnosis. Just sayin’.
And Falling, there are myriad reasons I would give you that reminder, which is why I will be heading for a different, much better one in three months.
You used the word “excoriate.” I love you. Truly.
I’m on it. Did I tell you I excel in TP-ing? Consider this freaking jerk-ass zombie idiot sent to this planet to torment you TP’d. I hope she likes the feel of wet butt paper.
Gibby: I puked each time I saw them, twice upon collection of said samples, and want to shower repeatedly each time I think about them. Them. My new pets. Because I don’t see them leaving any time soon.
Dan, I know, I know. It sounded way more sarcastic when I typed it, though.
Kitch, I’m just getting ready for a new baby, and that’s how they described my nipples last time, after several rounds of treatment for thrush and a severe case of Reynaud’s. It stuck in my head as the image of so abraded something is peeling like a third degree sunburn. Good times. Great word.
ck, can we get some of the TP and gynie whipped cream?
This is what I get for not being able to comment sooner, everyone has taken the best ass-kicking jobs and given the best advice.
Since it’s Saturday, I hope the vet visit went better than the phone call.
So I take it you’re not going to make homemade spaghetti any time soon.
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