In these waning moments of 2009, I have invented a new, patented wondrous technological addition to my life…the Couldn’t-Care-Less-O-Meter. It gauges just how much I don’t care so I can waste less time machinating about the silly little things. Let’s give a whirl, shall we?
Spilled three cups of dry rice on the floor: Don’t Care! Welcome opportunity to sweep a neglected floor.
Can’t find the list of things I *have* to do today: Couldn’t Care Less! Clearly not important if I need a piece of paper to remember them.
Didn’t submit either of my articles to journals this year: Don’t Care! Job market sucks so maybe a PhD is a bad idea anyway! Welcome opportunity to look into minimum wage jobs that I can begin now rather than minimum wage professorships I wouldn’t begin until 2018, anyway.
Getting older and have nothing to show for it: Really Don’t Care! When I was younger I had nothing to show for that, either. Nasty, brutish, and short, y’all. Nasty. Brutish. Short.
House is a mess; Ding ding ding! Genuinely Couldn’t Care Less! Have a whole heap of failures to count, but that one can be passed off on several other members of this family.
Take the patented Couldn’t-Care-Less-O-Meter.out for a spin, readers. I guarantee it’ll help you realize how little you care about your deepest fears right now.
Just in time to ring in a whole new year of failure and apathy! Happy New Year!
NaptimeWriting 
Oooh, you’re so talented. Does it work when your kids are fighting for space on a metal shelf in a store and people are looking at you funny for it?
Two full baskets of dirty laundry. DingDing!!! Hey, this contraption of yours is genius!
You are brilliant. First zero gravity, now this. Screw publishing and tenure – patenting parental survival tools is clearly your thing.
I’m trying this one out on my extra-sweaty toddler, covered with the sand and crumbs that line the surfaces of this house. Your invention? Works great – no need for cleaning here – I’ll just hose him down outside later.
Keep ’em coming.
Macondo, sorry you were stuck in the spam folder for a while…don’t know what wordpress is thinking. Thanks for the vote of confidence…I’m glad the machine told you not to care about the filthy mess of a toddler. Tracking into the car? Don’t care. Getting everything in the house filthy? *So* don’t care. Eating sand and terminating any sense of control and order I once had? Bah. Overrated. Don’t care.
well, my grants didn’t get funded. Don’t care! yup, slap a patent on it, you’ll have many registered users, particularly us dumbasses who got PhDs.
WHOO HOO! *another* year of failure. I. Can’t. Wait.
Oh this IS a gem! A gem, I say! And I surely have much need for this kind of genius.
Pots and pans filling the sink and spilling onto the counters from last night? Couldn’t care less. They’ll get done this century if not this decade.
Little plastic Imaginext men hidden away in every nook and cranny of the house just waiting for the new puppy to bite and chew? Don’t care, won’t care, didn’t put them there. Puppy can be the opportunity for the kids to realize they should clean up their S**T!
Kids watching another movie! Hey, why should I care about that? It actually gives me some time to milk my day off from work and enjoy some blogs I haven’t checked in on in OH, like TOO freaking LONG!
Happy New Year! This genius idea of yours warrants a post from many a great blogger I know!
“When I was younger I had nothing to show for that, either.”
Oh, I love this line. I may have to steal it.
Fae, this machine SPECIALIZES in not caring about what strangers thing of you. Or judgmental relatives. Or the feds.
Kitch, I’m working on a portable version for those who want it in purse, briefcase, stroller, or wheelchair.
jc, you’re my kind of lady. I can’t wait, either. Bring it on. I love labeling my failures by year.
Sarah & Dan, we’ve missed you.
Sarah, this contraption is puppy proof, so he can gnaw all he wants and it’ll still tell you to not care.
Dan, the line is yours. I’m glad I’m not the only one who had nothing to show for being young.
Love this. Brilliant idea. I have a few ways in which I could test this out. Yes indeedy. I think I’ll give it a whirl. Happy New Year to you!
Wow. This is so very empowering! I’ve been saying it all day after reading your post this morning. Thank you. Namaste. And All That Jaaaaaaaazzzzz.
(Sorry about that last part there…am listening to the Chicago soundtrack.)
Ink, *never* apologize for listening to or quoting Chicago. He had it coming. If I’d have been there. If I’d have heard it, I betchya I would have done the same!
The holidays, with the associated Critter-wrangling and parental presence in our home, have played havoc with my time on the Internets. I’m happy to be back.