Holy cow

Please don’t tell anyone who is more than 5 months pregnant, nor my two dear, sweet friends who carried and delivered twins that I said this, but great galloping ghosts, I don’t remember having a 5 month old fetus feeling so damned BIG. I swear I’m more uncomfortable now than I was at 8 months last time. As I said, though, don’t tell anyone whose uterus is, or has been, bigger than a cantaloupe. A really, really, big cantaloupe.

While we’re on that, why do they measure pregnancy milestones in fruit and vegetables? For heaven’s sake, telling me something is as long as a banana or a carrot is just plain stupid. Come with me to the store, you lameass lazy writers, and show me which banana. Do you mean that baby carrot or one of the eight thousand other sizes carrots come in? Why not tell me that my 9 inch fetus is about the length of 9 consecutive big lines on a ruler? Idiots.

The Brits understand. When I sought websites in proper English, hoping they might in terms other than produce, I found their measurements are way more reassuring. 360g?! Holy crow, that’s enormous, right?. 360 of anything is big. No wonder I feel like I swallowed a soccer ball. And 27cm? That’s…ah, hell, I wish we had converted to metric so I’d have some damned idea how long that is, but it sounds just huge.

But then, the Brits said this: “You’re probably feeling quite comfortable these days. This, in fact, may be the most enjoyable time in your pregnancy. ” Ah, man, f— you! Is this going to be the f— you trimester? Cuz I thought that was the 19 weeks of incessantly barfing and exhaustion. No? This is the f— you trimester? I’m not sure. I kind of remember the next one being the exact opposite of a picnic, but what do I know? I had forgotten about feeling that I could never, ever eat again after one almond.

Maybe it’s the eyebrows little Fetalanine just grew, or something, but I am just not large enough to accommodate any more growth.

Or explain jokes about phenylalanine. If you don’t get them, ask the Brits. They explain everything so well.

14 thoughts on “Holy cow

  1. I know this one! I think it has something do with the fact that with your second, the uterine muscles are already kinda stretched out. So they don’t support in the same way. Even though knowing that doesn’t make it any more comfortable…

    I feel you, girlfriend. Actually spent most of my third trimester the second time around dreaming of that delicious fruit and cheese plate that they gave me right after my first was born. It was the first meal I’d had in months where I felt like I could eat more than an almond AND that pesky (oppressive) heartburn was gone, too. And then the second time I had a C-section, hence, no fruit and cheese plate.

    But hey, five months is more than halfway! Now you get to count down instead of counting up. :)

  2. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t want to experience another pregnancy when all the women around me these days are on their third or forth child.

    Thank you for reminding me.

  3. Uggh! It’s so much worse the second time around. That’s what no one tells you. You pop out sooner. You gain more. You are more tired since you are running around after your first baby. It’s tough. Hang in there. As the cliche goes, it’s all worth it in the end when you hold your little one!

  4. The bad news, at least for me, is that the second one was bigger for longer so it stretched my stomach out even more than the first one. Getting it back to looking like a stomach and not some kind of deflated medicine ball is … tough.

  5. I popped out earlier with Miss M…those damned relaxed muscles… but she ended up weighing less at birth because I had some crazy complication that they didn’t diagnose.

    I do remember thinking, WTF? I didn’t get big with Miss D. until month 7, and I’m in fat pants now at month 4??

    • I’m not sure, but I think you all just called me fat. And aside from being true, how dare you? So I’m not talking to any of you ever again, until I change my entire emotional profile in half an hour.
      *And* I think you are not British, so I will not listen to you unless your answer is in metric or begins with “caramel.”

  6. Caramel
    eh hem…

    I hated being pregnant. I felt terrible everyday. There WAS NO golden period at 5 months. I’m pretty darn sure I complained everyday. I has a tubal ligation I hated it so much.

    Then J was born and the world was right again, With this exception: That tummy that pops quickly? Doesn’t pop back in quickly like it does the first time.

    I hated being pregnant…right, I already said that.

    Thank God or whom ever babies are cute!

  7. Ink, I still think of the 9 month vomit when Hubs said, “you *are* glowing” when anyone says that word.

    Of course you didn’t call me fat. Nobody did. I realized that sitting all day is the problem…I was writing and realized bent in half is not a reasonable request of this body. The first time I was teaching a lot, so the sitting dilemma never reared its ugly head.

    I think Snickers is a lovely name for a baby.

    Jen, here’s my thing. I’m not crazy about the parenting thing, and last time the pregnancy was pretty darned uneventful. So I considered this the calm before the storm. But it ain’t so calm.

    Oh, well. Snickers will, as you say, be cute.

  8. Tee hee. I forgot about the Final Vomit Glow.

    Snickers is a fun name for a baby! (Was there a presidential dog named Snickers? And if so, why would I know that?)


  9. mmmmm… snickers… there aren’t two. bigness is little indication of two. i didn’t even look prego until i was six months along, just puffy and kind of overweight. oh, glamorous pregnancy. speaking of snickers, i had a book about carrying multiples and they actually RECOMMENDED eating snickers because the babies need lots of extra calories. so i did. YUM.

    • J send me that book! I can use white-out and change the necessary passages to singleton.
      I never liked Snickers before. I’m a dark chocolate, no peanut, nougat kind of gal. But I’m not gonna mess with fetal demands.
      I know twins may not start out bigger, but an 8 month multiples pregnancy looks a hell of a lot more uncomfy than an 8 month singleton pregnancy.

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