Pissing me off

We thought we were lucky that Peanut potty learned pretty early. Started using the toilet regularly around 15 months and took himself out of diapers at 21 months. Did it all himself, the little control freak, which was great. Except since it was all self directed and all about control, when he’s mad at one of us he pees in inappropriate places.

I’ve been trying for a month to break the peeing in the cat box thing. Tried reasoning with him, tried empathy (would you like it if they peed on your toys or in your bed?) Tried making a hard and fast rule. “In this house, we pee in the toilet.” He told me, as you know, that this is not his house, and at his house he and his dog pee in the cat box all the time. Why he and his dog even have a cat box, considering the disdain they have for cats, is beyond me.

Anyway.

Today he pees in his pants. I ask him if he can tell me why. He says, “Yes. Okay. One reason I just feel like it. One reason it just easier.” We talk about that one. If it’s just easier to pee in your pants, that’s called a diaper. If you just feel like it, I feel like ignoring you and working on my book, but it doesn’t work that way. So I reiterate where we pee and why.

Later, I walk in the bathroom and find a dustpan on the floor, full of a supsicious yellow liquid. It’s near the cat box, so either they got pissed at his piss and chose a new target, or he just tried a little something new.

M: Peanut?
P: [running in] What?
M: Can you tell me a little about what this is in the dustpan?
P: And on the floor.
M: [biting tongue] And on floor…
P: Yes. I pee, pee, pee in dustpan. And on floor.
M: Hmmm. You know peeing on the floor makes me frustrated bcause it’s slippery and dangerous and stinky and germy. And you know we only pee in potty. Mommy pees in potty. Daddy pees in potty. Can you tell me why you did this?
P: Yes. One reason I pee on floor in sweeper I just want to. One reason [and he looks me dead in the eye for this one] I just no like your rules.

We talk about why there are rules. Tile floors with urine on them are slippery. People fall and get hurt. Also pee is germy and we don’t want to get sick.

Also, and this is just for you who can read—I’m really f—ing tired of this. My cousin says floating targets will make the toilet more appealing. My aunt says move the cat box (and now, apparently, the dust pan). Our pediatrician says blue food dye in the water so he can make it green.

I say there are a few rules you don’t get to not like. Seat belts. Teeth brushing. No hitting, biting, kicking, scratching, pinching, or hurting anything that breathes. And seriously? Seriously. Seriously. There’s only one place to pee.

At Daddy’s office. Is it Take Your Daughter to Work Day? I’ve been asking that for three years and it has never been take your daughter to work day. He has long, curly hair and wears pink shoes. Please take him to work.

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17 thoughts on “Pissing me off

  1. You’re scaring me away from children, Naptime. I also feel a little bad that your real-life struggles also make Peanut one of my favorite characters. Someday you should write that book.

    I’m assuming you saw the DFW stuff in the recent issue of the New Yorker. I’m sad he’s not around to finish that.

  2. I’m sorry, but Peanut is HILARIOUS. And creative.

    And kudos on his apparent on-target talent.

    Perhaps this would be the time to introduce you to Gibby’s adopted word, Mingent: (adj) discharging urine.

  3. pee-nut is on a rampage, eh? i had a friend once who peed in his cat’s catbox to get back at the cat for peeing on his clothes. oh and did that kitty get MAD!

    maybe peanut and the cats have some beef with each other you aren’t aware of? the food coloring idea is great. i’m gonna try that one this summer, the summer of potty training/learning.

  4. Oh, seriously, y’all, I just want to go back to 110 hour weeks in corporate america. NOBODY at McKinsey peed in my office.

    @dbj: you should be scared of kids. avoid anyone who tells you they’re bliss or wonderful, unless they include the caveat “at times.” And yeah, that New Yorker was the first magazine I’ve bought in years. I’m savoring every torturous word about his life and wanting to reread IJ quickly before Pale King comes out. Wish it weren’t only a third done, though. Wish he weren’t all done.

    @ck: so are there mingent maskers in your home, then? I love your family’s neologisms. We have a few of our own, some pre-kid some post-, but never needed one for something that is discharging urine. For it just didn’t need the focus it now does.

    @j: Kitty did get mad the first time Peanut went pee-nutty in the cat box…he peed in my sweaters. They’re mad at him for being a two-year-old terror and he’s mad at them that they can’t intuit when he wants to attack them and when he wants to cuddle. So they are having a whole battle after which I have to mop. [Secret to potty learning is wait until they feel like it, then don’t hold back…go all the way with perpetual naked and perpetual outside.]

    oh, and ck, you *should* be sorry that you find this amusing. ;-) I know he’s hilarious. I know he’s gonna be a richly creative adult with the stuff going on in his head now. I’m just not enough of a person to support all this nonsense. I was raised with 2 billion rules, and I’ve whittled down to 100 or so, but I’m just not okay with casually letting the whole cat vs. boy vs. pee battle royale go on unabated. I just want appropriate creativity…art, music, stories. Rebellion later, sure. But on his own hair and with really lame girlfriends (or boyfriends) but not on my floor!

  5. All I could think was “them’s fightin’ words.” And then I wondered how you didn’t smack him. Out of curiosity if you put a diaper on him next time he peed, would that stop it or anti it up? Or you could make him clean it. Just a thought. Good luck. You have your hands full with a smart, creative, stubborn boy.

  6. Though I commiserate and of course am cheering for you, dear Nap, I can’t tell you how much I LOVE that he said this: “One reason [and he looks me dead in the eye for this one] I just no like your rules.” May I borrow that for, um, life? :)

  7. @faemom…great ideas, and he does clean it up every time. We have a “you break it; you buy it” policy in our house. So he sprays and wipes and all that. Actually cleans up pretty well. I told him, when he said it’s just easier to pee in his pants, that he’s right, and that’s called a diaper, so he’s welcome to a diaper if he wants to pee in his pants. Unfortunately, we used cloth, so I’d have to go find them somewhere in the garage, and wash them if he takes to the idea. Kind of don’t want to risk it.
    @Ink…I know, seriously? I’d like to say that, too. I’m trying to take some of his better lines as my own…”I just no lie your rules,” is good, but “I no listen because I’m just too busy playing” is one of my faves.

  8. Oh, and I forgot:
    @dbj Of course, *your* child will not be scary. Your child will be exactly what you can handle–spunky enough to guarantee that he or she is not milquetoast, but only trying in amusing ways. A pure delight.
    And for your sake, I hope that’s true. It’s not, of course. Kids are really harder the more your try to do your best. Vow to do a fair to middling job and all will be, if not glorious, at least tolerable.

  9. I would just like to point out that me and my dog pee in the cat box all the time as well. It’s better that way. Then we touch the trash and hit our dads before we go to Gumdrop mountain for blueberry smoothies and dance parties. We fly.

    • @brother: you fly, that be true. You also be in for a world of hurt, for that which you mock will come double to you. kisses and hugs, dear one, for you have no earthly idea what you’re in for. It’s gonna be fun to watch, though. It’s fun enough here now, but whoooowee it’s gonna be a whole heap lot of fun come St. Paddy’s 2011…

  10. I have just been introduced to Peanut and already am in love. I am certain, however, that he cannot ever meet my firstborn, Miss D. Their collective capacities for defiance would tilt the Earth.

    This is an actual entry from Miss D.’s baby book: Last weekend you (now a toddler) threw your potty chair into the middle of the room, naked and enraged. “Me no like the potty! NO sit on potty! Aaargh!” Your nostrils flaring and your curls springing haywire, you kicked the pink potty chair with menace. “No doing potty,” you said in a steely tone. “And you no make me.” This last remark was clearly a threat.

    I truly feel your pain but I am thrilled to have someone to share it with.

    • @KitchenWitch their curls will often face us, as they storm out the room (and I love those moments because the curls inflict less pain than the face part usually does)…let’s *do* let them loose on each other some time…welcome and I hope we can make you feel better a time or two ;-)

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