Seriously, a robot could do this job.

I will soon be replaced by an old school tape recorder…each morning press the button and hear:

Good morning sweet thing…Peanut, honey, that voice is a little loud for so early. Can you please…honey, please be gentle with the cat. Peanut, furniture is not for banging…Please brush your teeth. Please put down the seat.

Please eat your breakfast. Honey, that’s what you asked me to make, so eat it or make your own breakfast. Babe, please keep the food on your plate not in your hair. Please face your food. Please put your legs under the table and face your food. If you’re done, get down. Peanut, playing with your food means you’re done, so please get down…Okay, then eat…Fine. Get down….Then EAT!

Please get your clothes. You’re right…don’t get your clothes. I’m faster at getting clothes so I’ll just go get them for you…what? You’ll do it? No way. Please don’t dress yourself or I’ll get so, so, so angry. Oh, dear, no…. Love, you need a jacket. Fine, don’t wear it, but choose one just in case.

Sweetie, whistles and megaphones are outside toys. So are bicycles. So is that fishing pole and hockey stick. Would you like help choosing an inside toy? Please come outside if you’re going to throw the ball; in the house we roll balls. We roll balls inside, P. Peanut! Roll the ball or go outside, those are your choices.

P, jumping off the couch is okay, but jumping off the cat tree is not. Sweetness, please listen to me: that is not safe. If you jump off the cat tree you will get hurt. I’m not going to say it again…I’m sorry you got hurt, but I told you not to do that. Mommies know what can hurt you. We make rules to keep you safe not to irritate you. Yes, I know rules are irritating. So is enforcing rules.

Please eat your food. Please face your food. Please stop that. Please help me. Please listen. Please wash your hands. Please put that away. Please stop yelling. Please answer me. Please listen. Please answer me. Please listen. Please answer me. Please eat your food. Please face your food. Please make better choices. Please…ppppppplllllllzlzzzzz rhskf kdmnewik sdofnm rrr rojmksdfnk r r r …

Even the damned tape recorder broke doing that shit every day.