Wanna know how off-the-charts bad today is? Mid-morning I taught my three-year-old the word “defenstrate.” And used it in a sentence with him as the object.

He wanted to know if you just throw somebody if that’s defenestrating. Nope. If you throw somebody *at* a window, is it defenestration? Nope.

“Please don’t throw me out of the window, Mommy.”

“I won’t babe. I would never do anything to hurt you, and defenestration might hurt. I would never do anything to scare you, and defenstration might scare you. I just really need you to know the word defenestration right now because I really, really, really thought about it a minute ago.”

“Oh. [beat.] Which window you thinkin’ bout, Mommy?”

Any of ’em, sweetie. All of ’em.

Want to hear a few more? Of course you do. All just from today…

Unsolicited, screeching, as I tried to distract by offering to read several new library stories, “Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh! I’m driving you nuts, Mommy!”

Throwing a fistful of toys in the air and yelling, “Rooooooar! I’m really not nice today!”

Clawing at my face, “Mommy I show you how that tree scratch me and then I go out and hit that tree!”

Oh my word, he’s making me earn every minute of child-free rest I’ve been promised this weekend. Virgin America, take me away. [I can’t put this post in the “shoot me now” category, which I reserve for godawful days, because then I wouldn’t get this, my first weekend away. So don’t shoot me now. Please.]