Here’s the thing, Universe. I know you have plenty of secular humanist quantum physics believers coming to you for their own personal issues. I know some people ask God for a football win and some promise rewards to various saints for getting what they need. But you, Universe, are more than just convenience. You are the problem.

If you could just, for a while, and just in our house, suspend all your physical laws, I would really appreciate it. Because the reality in which objects fall when not balanced properly on a spoon, where yarn is not strong enough to operate as a tow line for a bicycle, where puzzles do not fall into completion without effort and within moments of tumbling out of their box…this reality simply will not do for a certain 3.75 year old who lives here.

Look, I’m not one of those helicopter parents who want to fix the world for their kid. I just want the screaming to stop. When a blanket refuses to stay on the handlebars of a two-pound scooter, he screams as though he were on fire. When a one-foot doll cannot fit into a nine-inch fire engine, he cries as though someone severed his head from his tiny body.

So seriously, Universe, do this for me. For my sanity. He’ll learn physics in school like everyone else, as long as this country still teaches science by the time he’s in school. If not, meh. He doesn’t need to be all exerciing his natural scientific abilities on my time. I’m doing my part for you, Universe, what with obeying the law of gravity and keeping a finger on the pulse on the whole “liquid on Saturn’s moon” awesomeness.

So throw me a freaking bone, wouldya?