Because of Thanksgiving, Self-care Saturday has become Facial Friday. And that means the 20 minutes I spend scrubbing toilets and scouring the boy-grime out of our tub tonight also includes a light glycolic mask quickly smeared on my face as soon as the kids were in bed. No time like right now to exfoliate, I always say. Or sometimes say. Or just said right now on this blog, so at least I have it in writing and you can’t go back later and claim I never said it.

[sure, you can buy a facial mask. But why not use the sand your nephew dumped out of his shoes on your floor? That’s making lemonade out of lemons, right there.]

I find these simple moments of bathroom-cleaning and pore-extraction multitasking leave me with not only my signature Glow of Accomplishment but also with Opportunities for Self Care amidst the Chaos of Life. I also feel that capitalizing random Moments as though they’re Life’s Lessons Writ Large helps sell my theories and ideas better. Because we all learned capital letters first, we all assume those who uses them most knows that mythical Something We Don’t.

Since the mask needs another five minutes to chew through my epidermis, and I’m sitting here in flannel jammies, leisurely panicking while I listen to the sound of rain sloshing from the gutters into the walls and eroding the house around me, I thought that I’d share with you some of my multitasking self-care tips. They apply equally to working moms, stay-at-home dads, grandparents in too many book clubs, and time-pressured people of all genders. The only readers who might not need ideas for cramming seven things into ten minutes are the many newly graduated, single, child-free, and slightly-employed 20-somethings who flock to my blog. Never fear, though, friends. Since you aren’t trying to shoehorn thirty activities into your one free hour a day, you’ll never notice that this post might waste your time. Because all of your time is free time. There’s no penalty for the extra 90 seconds reading this post will cost.

Some day, however, you’ll benefit from my genius. So read on with the rest of us poor creatures who need every bit of help we can get.

As already mentioned, apply a facial mask before you toothbrush the grout in the shower. If you find one that pretentiously lists chemical ingredients by the Latin name of their natural source, you’ll find that the time pondering mildew goes more quickly.

When you’re driving to school, then a different school, then work, then the first school again, then the second school, a lively podcast will make you feel as though you’re engaging with the world around you. When life conspires to keep you locked in a mobile machine for most of the day, try The Serial or Radiolab. You’ll get to vascillate between how clever you are and how deprived of genuine human contact you are. And seeing both sides of an issue will keep that pesky self acceptance at bay!

Since preparing meals requires a significant portion of every adult’s day, let’s all do ourselves the favor of putting the power of MOOCS to work for us. Nothing compliments carefully julienned peppers like History of Physics. You’ll be amazed at how quickly time flies when you’re trying to hold complex theories in your head while timing the preparation of stir fry. And if mistakes happen, remember that there’s a 30 second rewind button, a modern 911 system, and 10 somewhat redundant fingers.

Finally, use your self-care multitasking ideas to boost your income! Start a Strolling Cafe where people get a cup of coffee, then join their friends on side-by-side treadmills. Using what you learned from your online physics course, modify the equipment so nobody can walk faster than 3mph. That saves your gym from spills and keeps away annoying runners whose insistence on sprinting while reading is making the rest of us feel grossly unproductive. Make sure, too, to alter the view so the floor-to-ceiling glass panes don’t actually reveal the harsh world outside, but rather reflect a dream scenario in which sunshine and genuine racial and gender equality drift comfortingly past the multitasking coffee walkers.

See how easy it to be Glowingly Accomplished and Culinarily Edified and Socially Fit?

Delightful.