A good solid pout

Last week, Butterbean had a traumatic crash. We were running, despite his protests, to get me some energy for a long day of obligations. I was pushing his scooter when he hit a big bump and fell on his face. The big piece of meat fauceting blood off his chin threw me into an adrenaline-high that lasted the whole day. I was exhausted that night, sore from tensing everything, including my guilt muscles.

The next morning I got up early to run so I would be to the soccer game on time. A glorious 10 mile run at dawn. Too short, I pouted silently, but exactly right to prioritize my son.

I fell on a relatively uncomfortable asphalt hill trying to take a shortcut to Peanut’s game—braced my fall with my outstretched arm and likely tore something in my shoulder. I’ll see the doctor tomorrow, but decent amounts of pain and very limited mobility don’t bode well for a quick recovery. It’s a shoulder, nature’s most ludicrous of joints.

Rice University image via Creative Commons

Rice University image via Creative Commons

It’s been three days of looking on the bright side, caring for a stitched up preschooler, and trying to protect my injured arm, I’m officially worn out. I’m pouting.

Pain brings out my nastiest, grouchiest, most petulant side. I hate being injured. I have plans. I want to run and cook and write and chase my kids. I want to not regret having a stick shift and to wash three heads of hair without thinking about it. Guess how much you use your dominant arm for when you make your living on a computer and spend a good portion of your waking hours with children. I’ll help you on this one: a lot.

I’m a single parent trying to function with one arm. And that’s not a big deal, given that it’s temporary and I’ll be fine eventually. I’m lucky. Other people live with chronic pain, other people live with altered mobility…a few weeks isn’t going to be a big deal and I want to kick myself for whining.

I can make mac-n-cheese and scrambled eggs for several weeks if I have to. I can give up fencing for a few months or years. I will get back to running, maybe even in time for the race I’m already registered for. I can have the boys’ dad come over and change sheets like I did yesterday. And he can help with pumpkin carving.

But I’m not in the mood for this. Even with daily gratitude and warm bright smiles at everyone who needs one, I just can’t find the cheerful. Joyful, yes. Cheerful, no.

I have a big presentation this weekend, and I’m excited. I’m a demonstrative presenter and I like gesticulating. So I’m now rehearsing with one arm pinned against my side. I’ll be fine, it’ll be a good talk. But I’m still grouchy at my stupid decision. I gauged the slope of the hill and thought I could make it. I knew I probably couldn’t, but I live most days by the skin of my teeth, so I figured I could do this.

Idiot.

And I fell flat on my face rushing from on “should” to another. I got up, brushed myself off, shrugged off the blood dripping slowly from my knee, and went to the soccer game. I took more than 200 photos and chatted with several parents.

They’re delightful. We’re so lucky to have such kind people in our lives.

I’m just tired of all the DUTIES I must perform. I’m so exhausted from loading meals with vitamins and fiber and whole grains. I’m tired of driving people places. I’m tired of worrying about what comes next. I’m tired of deadlines and clients and having four minutes to myself a day. I’m tired. That’s not unusual. In fact, it’s rather droll of me to even say aloud, given how terribly sleep-deprived most of us are.

I fully acknowledge how ludicrous to write in a late-night blog post that I’m tired. But, I believe we’ve been over this: I’m so g*ddamned tired.

The man who drove us to the hospital to get Butter’s stitches lives several miles from us (we were on a run, remember, and too-far-too-drive-my-kid-to-the-hospital far from home when it happened). Our hero was so incredibly kind and selfless that I brought his family a thank you note and gift certificate. His favorite team is in the World Series tonight and I wanted to make their day easier with some Zachary’s. I handed the envelope to his wife, who told me I didn’t have to do this. We fell in front of the right house, she said. “This is what he does,” she insisted. And she pointed to my shoulder, in a sling, and said, “It’s time to slow down, you know.”

The idea is so foreign to me I can’t quite articulate why I found her insistence at once sweet and ridiculous.

How the heck can I do that?

I’m scrambling to get enough work to pay the bills, and I’m filling up every waking minute with obligations. I am not giving my kids enough, my creative work languishes in files untouched for months. There’s a long list of people I want to have over for brunch, which is genuinely the way I show love. I haven’t seen my favorite human on the planet, my grandma, in almost a month.

How exactly am I supposed to slow down?

Last night, in pain and unable to take any more sibling bickering, I lay down on the couch to take a break. I’d never actually sat on this couch. The old one got a big hole from two children pretending to be ninjas and launching themselves off it, so I scoured craigslist for a daybed. Our guest room has been rented out, and it’s nice to have a couch friends or family can actually sleep on. But we’ve had it for several weeks and I’d never sat on it.

I was lying supine, protecting my shoulder, for about a minute before I fell asleep. At 6:00 pm with my kids fighting 20 feet away about a frisbee, I just passed out.

I don’t know if my exhaustion is physical, emotional, or mental. Or all three. I cleared a huge deadline and went straight into two more, smaller deadlines. I helped my little guy get stitched up and then hours later screwed up my precarious sense of wholeness. The separation is still a logistical struggle and I’m overcommitted. All my runs, except the long run on my day without the kids, take place in the presence of a preschooler on a scooter, chasing him at top speed downhill and pushing his full 40 pounds uphill.

How dare I complain…but I can’t not type this: can’t anything be easy?

I’m worried about us. I’m worried that I don’t have enough to offer my kids or myself. I’m worried that I’m trying too hard to keep consulting rather than find a staff job.

I’m worried that if I slow down I’ll lose. Lose what, I’m not sure. But I know the feeling at Mrs. Hero’s suggestion about slowing down felt like panic.

Sheer, unadulterated, panic.

I hope, whatever the doctor says this morning, it involves the words, “do yourself a favor and play this track on the way home…”

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8 thoughts on “A good solid pout

  1. Wow. I get this. More than anything I get how difficult it is to complain when truly recognizing how much we really do have — I’m the same way. It’s like I feel like I don’t have the right to whine. The reality is you have SO much on your plate, and I’m the same way, but I’m not sure where I can cut back. I feel like I’ve already cut back too much with work. Late at night when my anxiety gets the best of me I think, am I finished career-wise? Is this all there is for me? Maybe I’m not pushing myself enough. Blah blah blah. I will tell you this. Last year around this time I came down with a mysterious rash, and it took awhile for anyone to figure out what it was. I was really sick — fever, headache, fatigue like nobody’s business. It was rough. I’d drop the kids at school and go straight home and spend the next seven hours in bed. It ended up being Mono, and it took over a month to fully recover. Of course I jumped right back on the crazy schedule train once I was well and in early March I had a recurrence — not as severe but evidently this happens sometimes with Mono. I feel like I’m still trying to get everything back together after what amounted to 6+ months of the hell. My house is a still a disaster. Bills didn’t get paid, luckily not because the money wasn’t there but because I wasn’t my usual self. It took everything in me just to keep the kids fed and to school each day — SO many things del through the cracks. My husband and I had/have been separated off and on for several years (I know! Like make a freakin’ decision, people) but I think he saw how much he took for granted when he had to step it up. And he’s a very hands-on parent, but he works a lot and travels frequently. My job is the more flexible one. When I was sick we had to change it up. Anyway, this may sound hokey, but I believe that the Universe, God, whatever you call it, sends us signs that we have to slow down. In hindsight I fought this crap for years, but last year I had nothing left. I was forced to stop and re-evaluate. Sorry, I totally didn’t mean for this to sound like a lecture. Hope it’s not coming across that way. I just very much relate to everything you described. And it’s okay to air it all out — especially on your blog. Take care of yourself and I hope your shoulder heals quickly. Sending you lots of love, good vibes, all that. :-)

    • Well, it’s awfully easy to hear a story like that and say, “well, yeah, time to slow down. How obvious.” Why can’t we do that with our own stories?

      I know I can slow down and I know I need to pick and choose better. It would help if the kids would ease up a bit (chicken-egg debate over here about whether they make me a tense ball of spazziness or I made them tense balls of spazziness) but there are many ways I can just chill. Honestly, getting a job outside the home will probably be the easiest way to let go of the crazy, because logistics around getting people to and from school and soccer would be handled by a professional, not a spazz.

      Didn’t sound like a lecture, by the way. Sounded like someone who knows, reminding me that if I don’t take the clue now I’ll just have another something coming my way soon.

      Rest up. Shingles are next, if *you* can’t cut back a bit.

  2. Oh, how I feel for you. I’d come over to help but, just ask my kids, I’m a horrible nurse. With all the “taking care of” we do as moms, it sucks when we don’t have someone to take care of us.

    Sending hugs, energy, love, a shoulder to lean on and a resounding “NO” button to push when someone asks you to do something you just can’t/don’t want to do. But please heed the doctor’s advice and rest as much as you can – shingles are absolutely, positively, NO FUN. I know. I wouldn’t wish them on my worst enemy.

    Hmmm, why not go all out? I’m sending an “EASY” button, too. We could all use one of those!

    xo

    • Hi, Jane!

      Yeah, I’m going to rest the shoulder to avert shingles. And dropsy. And the vapors. Because I’m guessing all of those will happen if I don’t get some rest before Holiday Crazies begin in a few weeks.

      Hope you’re well. Hugs to you and yours, and a big EASY button to you, too.

  3. “Exhaustion… physical, emotional, mental.”

    Yup. That covers 19 years of my life, plus “blur factor.” It’s called being a mother. It eases during periods of time, and then it sneaks up on you again. And you have every right to feeling petulant over pain, especially shoulder pain which is oh-so-tricky and seems to radiate to other spots in the most aggravating ways.

    Sending you a big (motherly) hug. And wishing you some of that “coasting time” that shows up when we least expet it.

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