I don’t usually remember dreams, but I always remember nightmares.

My recurring nightmare since college finds me waking in my dorm room in a panic, realizing that I haven’t attended one of my classes all semester and that today is the final. My angst, though, is not that I haven’t studied for the test. In my version of sheer terror, I’m worried that I won’t find the classroom (haven’t been all semester, after all) and that I won’t do well enough on the final to offset a whole semester of homework and tests. The explaining as I walk in, really, dwarfs my realization that I don’t even have a passing familiarity with the name of the class, let alone the subject matter.

For the first time, that dream has changed.

Last night I dreamt I was a spy. Kickass, counter-terrorist, highly trained Superspy. And I was assigned a mission to go save a bunch of innocents by stopping evildoers. I probably even had the skin-tight yet highly flexible costume of all highly skilled and intelligent women, as mandated by mainstream (read: feminist) television and movies.

But I realize as the appointed hour arrives and I leave the weird government building (which seems a lot more ASPCA than Langley, VA) that I don’t know where to go to stop the bad guys. And that I have no bullets. None. Big ol’ gun that I’m sure I know how to dissemble and reassemble blindfolded in under 20 seconds, but no ammunition. And somehow I’m supposed to get in my rental hatchback (wtf? how am I supposed to spy with this tin can?) and drive to…somewhere…and stop a major plot with an empty gun.

I awoke as I was trying to figure out if, somehow on my way I could stop and break into a sporting good store (my assassination/rescue mission began in the wee hours, naturally) for bullets.

Stress I get. Fear of academic failure…sure. Concern that I’ll be at the wrong place at the wrong time…clearly a theme for me. But worried that I can’t save the world because I’m ill equipped? Come on subconscious. Now you’re just scaring me.

10 thoughts on “Failure

  1. Dudette! I had my first dream that I remembered in a longggg time last night. It was the damn teeth falling out one! ARGH! It means loss of control, anxiety… um, really? But then I got an email from the bunny telling me he was gonna save the world (like, uh, literally) and I wanted to crawl back in bed and UNDO THE TEETH FALLING OUT and wait for him to save the world. Cuz he will. He already does.

    Can I have a dream where I am putting my teeth BACK in my mouth? Gaining control? Why doesn’t that dream pop up? We grow teeth. I want to grow new teeth in my next dream. Like a shark. ROWS OF THEM. Maybe taking calcium pills will help. I have never been more sure of something in my life, and my dream is about anxiety? REALLY? I’m convinced my dreams are on a delay timer of months…. my teeth dream should have happened months ago. But not now.

    No worries about the bad guys. My bunny has it covered. Save the trip to the sporting goods store. lol.

  2. Stephane,
    I grind and grind. I have a mouth guard. But I drool and drool. I don’t think I was grinding last night because I usually wake up with jaw pain. I’ll check tomorrow. Thanks.

  3. Unicorn,

    I have that teeth falling out dream, too! And yes, I’m a grinder.


    I have the exact academic failure dream that you do but instead of worrying about finding the exam room/explaining to the professor, my anxiety is about how to hide the fact from my parents that I forgot to attend a class for a whole semester. Ah, we of the perfectionistic tendencies…

  4. Have you ever tried to change your dream while in them? It’s apparently possible. Which should mean that in your dream you go get bullets, trade in the hatchback for an Austin Martin, stop at the secret command center accessed behind the stage at Chuck E. Cheese. Stop evil doings on one of those faux movie computers… then stop for a caprese salad on the way home.

    You’re just not trying hard enough.

    • LOL Tara.
      I have heard that you can change your dreams. I used to work on it, but I had forgotten. I sleep so rarely it seems silly to spend time working on dream changing. I promise to stock up at the bullets counter at Neiman Marcus in my dreams next time?

  5. LOL Tara!
    I KNEW that stage was there for a reason.

    I actually had another dream last night. I was being interviewed by Piers Morgan about the state of affairs in the world. He asked me something about Hezbollah. I think I forcibly woke myself up straight away. I would rather my teeth fall out, thanks. Here, just have my teeth, I got plenty, take them. I don’t watch Piers, have never seen his “news” show, and am pissed off his infiltrated my dreams. Nightmare. I’m gonna do Tara’s idea tonight. I’ll be phucking Matt Damon…. on the bed, on the floor, on the towel by the door…like the song says.

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