Why, yes, you may

Okay, I need to tell some of the people on the planet a few things. Close your ears if these don’t apply, cuz there ain’t no ranting like a wicked pregnant rant.

If we come to an intersection at the same time and I indicate you can go first, you’d damned better thank me, jerk, because chances are if I have to wave you through you know you don’t have the right of way. If you’re walking across the street against the light or half a block from the crosswalk and I let you go, you’d damned better thank me because I’m driving a ton of steel and you’re squishy. And if I’m crossing in the crosswalk, with the light, hugely pregnant and holding my kid’s hand, you’d damned better stop and wait for us, because I will hunt you down and maim you for being such a subhuman stool specimen turning dangerously close to us.

Waitstaff, if I ask for water twice and you forget both times to bring it, don’t be surprised if I forget to tip. If I ask for something for my kid even once and you forget to bring it, don’t be surprised if I brandish a weapon.

Parents, if your child is at the playground and you spend the whole time reading the newspaper, I will call child protective services and say the kid asked me to take him home because you lock him in the closet. I’m sick of parenting your kids for you.

Yes, you may ask:
How are you doing?
Can I bring you anything?
Could you look any more gorgeous?!
May I send you cash or a check?

No, you may not ask:
Are you ever going to have that baby? (No. I’m going to keep it in there and live off it in case I’m stuck at Donner Pass.)
Is that damned thing *still* in there? (No. Had it a week ago. Just fat. Thanks for asking.)
Could you get any bigger? (Probably. Could you get any more stupid or rude?)
What, are you waiting for your due date to come around again next year? (Yes. That’s exactly it. Nothing says fun like 17 months pregnant.)

And for these you will be stricken from the mailing list:
When are they going to induce? (Never. What part of natural don’t you get?)
How dilated are you? (Doesn’t matter. That’s not an indication of anything. Also none of your business. Also, I don’t know. Want me to run to the loo to check just for you?)
How long will they *let* you go? (Hi, have we met? Nobody is letting me do anything; I am an intelligent, consenting adult doing what my body needs without intervention, chemicals, or coercion.)
Will you have surgery? (For what? I don’t have cancer. I have a baby who’s not done cooking.)
How much weight have you gained? (Including the guilty conscience from killing you and woodchipping the body? Not sure. I don’t look at the numbers.)

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18 thoughts on “Why, yes, you may

  1. bahahahahaha

    I just laughed my fat, 35-week pregnant, ass off!

    This is great. Only you forgot the “Wow, you’re ready to go any day now!” “Actually no, I have a month left until I’m due but thanks for pointing out the fact that I’m huge.”

  2. Oh, I so understand! The worst for me was the shocked look I would receive when I answered I was expecting my third son, when asked what I was having. I’m sorry, did I forget to ask your permission to expand my family?

    Or another favorite was, was this pregnancy planned? I mean, really, the rudeness of people will never cease to astound me!

  3. ohhhh there is nothing I detest more than people who don’t thank when I let them through, and don’t let pedestrians have the right away (It is a bylaw people!!!) Especially when one is pregnant with child in tow. It is just plain rude.
    Also, Don’t ever, ever, never ask a pregnant woman, ever how much weight she has gained. So rude. I told my MIL during my first pregnancy that I had gained 30 pounds in 30 weeks. ( a fact that my obgyn was not concerned with). She actually gasped….yes gasped and told me I’ll just have to take it easy in the next 10 weeks. It took all of forever for me to forgive her.

  4. You definitely don’t have pregnancy brain! Your rants are still A+:)
    and yes, you are looking gorgeous my dear!

  5. Yes and thumbs up to every one of these! (Though I didn’t know you were doing natural — though I should have — so I may have asked about both inducing and drugs. Because drugs? Well, I am grateful for them.)

    This woman nearly mowed us down today as she blew through a stop sign in front of a store. The guy walking beside us, who was almost hit too, literally roared. I was so thrilled that he expressed how I felt that I almost high-fived him.

  6. Nap, this was not a wicked pregnant rant. This was a BRILLIANT pregnant rant. And I’m going to print it out and photocopy it, in case I ever get preggers again. I’m going to just pass it out to all the randoms who come up and tell me that I simply must get an epidural because I have no idea what I’m in for and who want to know how much I weigh. When did that become a socially acceptable question anyway? How about NEVER.

  7. Aaahhh, I remember it well–the insane rudeness of people! When I was pregnant, some random guy asked me if I had swallowed a watermelon! I DID look like I swallowed a watermelon; I know this because I saw myself every single day dude!
    Have a wonderful rest of your pregnancy and delivery! I can tell from here–you look marvelous!

  8. Love it!!! LOFL!! My 35 week pg belly roared! Good stuff!

    I can relate: How long will they *let* you go? (Hi, have we met? Nobody is letting me do anything; I am an intelligent, consenting adult doing what my body needs without intervention, chemicals, or coercion.)

    One more thing you may not say: your backside is not as big as it was last time (with your son) so I think it’s a girl. (My reply: ssssssooooooddddd off, a-hole!)

  9. “What’s that in the woodchipper there, eh?”

    Your brain is still at the top of its game.

    I let someone in yesterday after waiting for TWELVE minutes while a train went by (yes, I counted), and didn’t get the wave. I was enraged, I tell you. What butthead doesn’t give the wave after 12 minutes of waiting?

  10. You go, girl! Let it all out! This is the best pregnant rant ever. Wish I had some of these responses at the ready when I was 12 days overdue and waddling around like an elephant.

  11. LOL. This made me truly laugh out loud with a tummyache to boot. I love spunky ladies. Esp. spunky pregnant ladies! :-) Heave knows no fury… Yeah, there is a reference to a prego lady somewhere in the …

    ;-)

  12. Please tell me you’re making some of this up. If not, we’ll go egging together. Nothing says Fear like two pregnant women egging because we know we can’t run if caught. We’ll egg our way out of it.

  13. haha. Yeah, all this sounds familiar.

    It could be worse. I’m a regular at a nearby cafe, and I went in a few weeks ago after a long absence. The guy who usually is the cashier said, “have you had your baby yet?” I blushed and said, “yeah, he’s almost three months old.” Ye gads… Thanks for pointing out my fat.

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