I’m sorry….what?

Today’s wtf files:

Microwave instructions on instant pudding. Because there *needs* to be an option between 5 minutes of stovetop and buying premade pudding. [Yes, dammit, it’s organic and low sugar. Sue me.]

At least one father at every single playground I’ve been to in the past six months: texting or playing games on phone or having really insipid phone conversation while kids try desperately to get his attention. Dude. Do you see *any* of the moms doing that bullshit? And when there are other dads, it’s still only one guy. Loser.

Fifteen of the twenty products rated “must have” in some lame-o mainstream parenting magazine at the doc’s office are either toxic or useless. And these people are raising the assholes our kids will go to school with.

Why do people tell me to watch MadMen and not Weeds? I freaking love that show and don’t get the same nausea after an episode or two that followed Betty Draper’s existential spiral.

The Bay Bridge is falling down. And people are complaining about the traffic instead of remembering 20 years ago when we counted every second, hoping they’d find someone alive in the Cypress and thanked heaven only one person died on the Bridge. But by all means, whine about your commute.

My kid has gained three pounds this month and I can’t freaking lift him up. He’s always been a timid eater, and he’s now scarfing down adult portions and taking seconds and eating veggies and taking two hour dinners. Who is this guy?

Preschool still has no space for us. This kid is going to be in college before I get him the hell away from me for a couple of hours a week. In fact, he told me he wants to go to college right now because he wants to be an ultrasound technician so he can push all the buttons. Fine by me, dude.

A street sweeping ticket is $48?! For what? I’ll get out a push broom and clear the tiny bit of stuff from under my car. Don’t you people have better ways to raise money?

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11 thoughts on “I’m sorry….what?

  1. Just remember I’m laughing with you and not at you.
    What’s up with mainstream magazines and their must haves? I get my grandma’s hand me down women ones after my mom, and I noticed every month there are ten must have things. That’s 120 things a year at $10 to $50 a pop. I thought we were all watching our budgets.

  2. Hear you, feel you, second that.

    Sounds like Peanut is having a major growth spurt. Soon, he’ll need all new clothes, too. So there’s that… ;)

  3. Oh, and re: toxic docs…mine prescribed a certain medicine after baby was born. I filled it then read the warnings and then went right back to doc. Our conversation was pretty much me repeating It’s not safe, right? See the label? It says right here that this med is excreted in breast milk. And doc saying, Oh, I wouldn’t worry about it.

    WTF?

    I didn’t take the medicine.

  4. HEY – it’s not Betty’s fault that your street cleaner charged you $48 for the three leaves and handful of sand under your car.

  5. Oh, and I forgot to mention the parents who are upset that their babies babies and toddlers gain weight. Um, that’s their JOB, dude. I’m happy as hell this little dude is finally growing. There’s a slight percentile-based reason I call him Peanut, you know…

  6. ck, you know Betty Draper just rolled her eyes and sucked her overbite at the thought of someone not reading the sign before decamping for the playground.
    fae I know they’re just trying to sell crap, and that editors faves and reader faves are sections the advertisers *love* but, come on. You’re right. Spare our budgets the b.s.
    Ink, I did the same thing on an Rx that ssays definitely not in breastfeeding. She said, well, they’re just being cautious. I checked the drug at kellymom.com and sure enough, not just being cautious. Never took it.

  7. And then Betty Draper got her aproned ass off to the analyst…you know, the one who is telling her husband everything she says? And talked about the playground and he certainly didn’t give a shit.

    Weeds is awesome! Although at times I’m thinking, “Man, this lady is a shitty mom.” But who isn’t?

    Seething…my mother told me this year that Miss D. was getting FAT. No, Mom, she is not. This is just the first year that we didn’t have to special order her pants because she couldn’t fit anything…grrrrrowl.

    And what do doctors know (sorry hubs, not you)? I had one in my twenties who gave me antibiotics while I was on the pill and didn’t say a word…Gee, thanks!

  8. Er. Um. Some of us try to be relatively well-informed. Just for the record.

    On that note, I’d never heard of kellymom.com. It looks like an excellent resource, so I’m glad to be aware of it now.

  9. Oh, Dan, kellymom.com is the best certified lactation consultant resource ever. When the kinds of infant issues arise that can be resolved but seem insurmountable in the middle of the night, kellymom.com is heavenly. Checking a latch with a video at 3am or finding thrush resources saved my early parenting career from certain destruction.

    Of course you’re well informed. You aren’t writing or reading those terrible magazines.

  10. preschool is a good thing, for sure. the girls are much more cooperative now that they see how groups of their peers behave and misbehave. get thee to a preschoolery, toot sweet! don’t wait another minute! the first week or two of difficulty is worth every other second of having a cup or four of coffee in peace.

    • J, I am so ready for preschool. The list is creeping slowly toward us. This is the place wherein a one year waiting list is minimal, and I’m contemplating all manner of creative preschooling, including dropping him off at kindergarten to get him some social away-from-me time.

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