When I am Queen

I shan’t be able to ban things like tantrums or sleepless nights, though I’d like to. Too easy. When I am Queen, bad behavior will still, alas, have to be beaten out of our foes and children.

But while I’m planning my world domination guidelines, I need your input. What would you ban or mandate?

When I am Queen there will be no:

  • RVs
  • croutons
  • single-serving packs of cookies or crackers
  • pesticide or herbicide
  • High School diplomas granted until candidate proves mastery of the apostrophe (and clear grasp of scientific principles but let’s get punctuation first)
  • leaf blowers or gas mowers
  • car alarms
  • cell phones (yeah, yeah, blah, blah, in *my* day we did just fine with pay phones for emergencies. you gotta problem with it, *you* get yourself anointed Queen. tough to do on my blog, but go ahead and try.)
  • Electoral College
  • mosquitoes

When I am Queen every soul on the planet will have:

  • clean water
  • shelter
  • Charleston Chews, chilled if they find that pleasing
  • free, good health care
  • something in their lives they find beautiful
  • safe food
  • a quiet room all to themselves whenever they want it
  • au gratin potatoes
  • a magic leak-proof pen that appears whenever they need it, where ever they are.

I know I’ve forgotten to bestow or ban something…please, dear advisors, point out my oversight.

16 thoughts on “When I am Queen

  1. You would be a fabulous Queen! Love your lists. Can we add, by special decree, commas to the apostrophe requirement?

  2. Shortcake rounds from the grocery store are hereby nominated for eternal banishment since Kitch thinks they’re twinkie knock-offs and I am convinced they are press and stick toilet bowl cleaners before the blue color gets added, sneakily.

    Public transportation, in the form of double-decker bus and commuter rail, is hereby nominated for eternal and universal bestowal since I am tired of watching routes fall by the wayside and hard-working people not being able to make it to work everyday on their own.

  3. I have no idea who jc is but I am in love.

    High-five on crouton banishment! Those things just suck…and yet my sister eats them out of the box like candy…then again, she did that with meth, so maybe that’s a clue that she’s not the sharpest knife in the dishwasher.

    If I were Queen, we would have liquor stores that deliver.

    We would also have live-in help (who is NOT your mother-in-law) for 6 months after giving birth.

    And, most important, this Queen would have her own Potty Training consultant who would handle any/all potty defiance issues. Can we put that on top priority, please?

  4. jc yes, yes, yes.
    KW yes, and yes and yes.

    So I’m adding Universal zero-emissions transportation and childcare; and banning synthetic baked goods including shortcake rounds, all things by Hostess, and sheet cakes.

    Keep ’em coming. I’m a monarch who loves stealing your ideas as my own. See how well suited to management I am?

  5. Let’s see:

    Au gratin potatoes – check
    Quiet room – check
    Did you mention frozen Charleston Chews? Oh you did. Good – check.

    I think that’s everything.

    (PS: Do I turn my high school diploma over to you or Ink?)

  6. Ok. What is with the crouton `hatin?!? Seriously, what would a Caesar salad be without them? Or are you `hatin on the patriarch war mongering salad engendering folks too? ;)

    Ok, ok… I’ll put sesame seeds on there instead.

    I’ll only second public transportation if someone provides resources for how to use them that aren’t insane. Boston? Check. NY? Check. Paris? Check. Athens FREAKIN GA (which has a huge public transport system with no usable “key” by the by)? Bzzz.

  7. I heart you too beanblaster.

    I don’t want to be a greedy royal pain in the ass to your Queendom, but I would like everyone to have their very own garden for fresh fruit and veggies. Peaches and tomatoes from the grocery store SUCK THE BIG ONE.

  8. I must sheepishly vote in favor of croutons (good ones) on Caesar salads (along with good anchovies).

    I would ban “reality” television shows whose sole raison d’etre is to showcase horrible people behaving horribly. That goes double when the horrible people in question are the extended families of people with dubious or expired fame. Along with almost everything else on television today. (Not you, “Glee.” You can stay.)

    Parents who discipline their children in my office by telling them I will give them a shot (which, for the record, I always cheerfully rebut) will receive shots themselves. Sting-y ones.

    People who double-park their enormous vehicles in the good spots at the grocery store will be publicly caned. If it’s a rainy day, they will be publicly stoned.

    The people at Fox News will be forced to wear pants that are, literally, on fire.

  9. I’d live in your Queendom.

    As long as you’d also ban all Dora the Explorer episodes. Throw Barney in there, too.

    And, if you’d allow a continuous supply of candy corn. The good stuff, not the generic crap. (Can you tell what I’ve been eating lately?)

  10. Oh, this is good.
    Casey and Dan, I don’t know how to compromise on croutons except as follows: can you make sure I never see them? Makes me angry just to see those bastards. I’m not opposed to your personal, private enjoyment of things that don’t actually hurt anyone else. I guess. I’m a benevolent dictator.
    Which is why, Dr. O’D., you can rest assured the public transport will be AWESOME. Queen Nappy don’t fund what she can’t run efficiently. Because I’m a tax and spend WISELY liberal.
    Oh, Gibby, thank you. Dora, Barney, and Calliou: gone.
    Parents who threaten kids with either lies or pain to get good behavior get sterilized, Dr. Summers. Not just sting-y shots. Sure, threaten with “or we have to leave” or “or else I will eat all your Halloween candy” because that’s just good parenting.
    jc, we’re on the same page. I had a garden in the original draft, but I didn’t want anyone to feel forced. So howsabout an optional backyard or rooftop or fire escape garden for everyone. Kitch, why would you ever go to Safeway for produce? I know you live in the mountains, but they have co-ops and local grocers, too. I just know it.
    Oh my heavens, Gibby: genius. Why are candy corn and candy canes seasonal? That’s some confectionary bullshit! Free access all the time. Not to impinge on the Charleston Chew access. Ever.
    Dan, you are hereby knighted. No enormous vehicles period. Parking in two spaces gets car impounded. Forever. Reality shows that support skill and humanity and my enjoyment are still on (hello, Glee, Top Chef, and Project Runway); goodbye everything else.
    And my original draft banned FoxNews entirely, but I guess if people are that gullible they can have their entertainment. But the pants-on-fire becoming literal is brilliant. Yes.
    You people are good.
    (ck, your diploma remains yours. You’re fine with punctuation and write well enough to ee cummings it, anyway)
    (jc, calling KW beanblaster is an inexcusable visual I shan’t be shaking any time soon, and for that you are hereby sentenced to carry on as usual because you’re delightful.)

  11. I want to move to your queendom as long as there’s a place without snow. I hate snow.
    I like to add that there would be strict enviroment laws that would allow us to eat fish every day free of mercury, we could see the stars without air or light pollution, and we’d have clean air and water. Can we add chocolate trees because I saw that on Dora once and thought that is the only good thing that came from that show?

  12. 1. i, too, hate croutons.
    2. free, kind childcare givers that aren’t me that don’t take shit. i take way too much shit.
    3. all the other stuff you listed, check.

    queen nappy, well done. you’ve done all the hard stuff by being the queen as well as setting up reasonable parameters for us all to be cradled in. let me know when my little, germ-free ceramic pod living quarters will be vacant, i’ll come hose it down and move on in. it’s great to be a nameless, faceless number in your queendom. it’s all i’ve ever wanted.

    • oh, J, you know you’ll have a name and a face in my Court. If you choose to hide them, that’s your bidniz. Cuz I’m a laissez faire Queen, notwithstanding all the above.

  13. Pingback: Soap and croutons « Naptime Writing

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