Is it wrong that…

I was buying Spouse shirts for work and found myself winking at one of the models? I should mention I was online shopping and the model was kind of smarmy, in that Chet kind of way. Of course it’s not wrong. Because I was kidding, right?

Is it wrong that I wanted to gouge out the eyes of the guy next to me in the coffee shop who kept interrupting my work to make inane banter? Of course not. But is it wrong that I didn’t actually gouge them out?

Is it wrong that I told my kid to give his new doll a tour of the house so I could close my eyes for two minutes and not worry that he would be breaking something or, you know, demanding attention or something?

Is it wrong that I’m having dreams about the people on 30 Rock because thanks to Netflix, Spouse and I are actually watching (old) television programming most nights and these are the only adults in my life?

Is it wrong to eat the same food day after day after day after day until you get sick of it, then move on to another item-of-the-week? If not, is it wrong that I’ve moved to an almost-all ice cream diet? Of course not. Calcium and protein, right? Right?

Is it wrong that I sat in a salon for half an hour today, leafing through Food and Wine, just waiting to make an appointment for a haircut? I didn’t *have* an appointment. I wanted one. But Spouse was at home with P and I felt as though I had all the time in the world. And they had two new Food and Wines.

Is it wrong that the bathtub has needed new caulk since we moved in four months ago but that I still haven’t gotten to it? Will it be wrong two months from now?

Is it wrong that I fantasize about going on facebook and calling all those liars and posers on their b.s. about how perfect their lives are? Or to ask them when, exactly, they’re too old to post drunken pictures of themselves out with friends? Seriously, who the hell gets a sitter so they can go party? I’m pretty sure it’s wrong to use party as a verb after age 25.

Is it wrong that the week where my nausea was manageable I willingly took the wallop of exhaustion because it was better to feel unbearably tired than puke 5 times a day, but that now the barfing is back?

Yeah, actually, that one is wrong.

18 thoughts on “Is it wrong that…

  1. I don’t think asking your kid to give the new doll a tour is wrong at all. It teaches him to be hospitable. Right?
    And I love that you winked at a model online.

  2. Is it wrong to envy another blogger because she’s a much better writer than you?

    Envy aside, I am sorry the barfs are back. Tell Hazlenut to give you a little break!

    And I hate the Stepford Wives on Facebook, too.

  3. @ymK I still can’t believe I was flirting with an online model. But thanks for pointing out the benefits of making my kid be pretend friendly.
    @kitch and ink You’re both sweet. Angry comes easily and angry that feels guilty about being angry is usually funny. It’s not me. It’s my bad attitude you enjoy. And I am possibly the angriest nauseated person you’ll ever meet.

  4. *hugs* When will you come over to the dark side and let your kid watch a show every day? You could rest during that time. Even take a nap. Then you would have the energy to gouge that guy’s eyes out.

  5. I might have given you a run for your money back in the day as far as angry nauseated pregnant people go. (Hubby told me later that he was afraid that “F-ck it” would baby’s first phrase because that’s pretty much all I could say, all the time.) It is unbelievably hard to feel sick all the time. I am **so** empathetic. (Now, if you were me back during my angry-while-nauseated-phase, you’d say something like this in response to that comment: “Yeah? You’re empathetic? Well, F-ck you, Ink, for reminding me that you’re not nauseated right now and I am. Just f-ck right the f-ck off.”)

    All of this to say: I SO get it. And I am wishing incredibly hard that the nausea lifts soon. And I hope I made you smile a little. Or flip me the bird. Whatever.


  6. @Norm wrote it in honor of you, friend, particularly the Chet bit. And remember I’m always happy to tell you whatever you’ve got going on isn’t wrong, either
    @fae I was just gonna train P to gouge eyes out for me. So I an go the bonbon and Golden Girls route
    @Ink lol I think you win for angry nauseated woman. You’ve always been able to take me in a bar brawl, overachiever contest, pomo olympics, and f–k it fest.

  7. Not “taking you” at all (and, btw, never have). Just commiserating. The reason I shared that (and then worried all night because egads, I wrote f-ck in public, which is just so *not* moi!) is because I wanted you to know that you weren’t alone.

    And also that my husband was a little afraid of me during those preggy months…and, probably, rightly so.

  8. Oh dear!! It *is* wrong for the barfing to come back. That’s just not fair at all!!

    And you go get those idiots on FB! You can blame it all on hormones and save the rest of us, too.

  9. @Ink don’t you worry, sweets. Anything you say is appreciated, always, even when I’m grouchy. I was pretty impressed by the cursing, myself. Good for you.
    @KathyB Crusader to Eradicate Pollyannas from FB. I’m on it.
    @J Man, you and I could really mix it up if we ever got together and did the stunted-creative mom thing together…stand back, pretend guys!

  10. I loved this post. I especially loved your comments on the Stepford Wives (thanks, KitchenWitch) on Facebook. Nobody’s life is that perfect.
    Thanks for shaking us into reality! (And hope you feel more like yourself soon!)

  11. “I’m pretty sure it’s wrong to use party as a verb after age 25.”

    Very true, yet strangely entertaining to stand near someone in the 30+ age bracket who speaks that way.

    Maybe you should just go ahead and barf on the next person who does that…

  12. Is it wrong that, as a New Gay Dad, I have completely neglected to take a single new picture of my two-month-old son in the past month and a half? And that I want to punch the people on Facebook who keep hectoring me for new ones?

    • Hey, Dan, we had friends who saw us when Peanut was 9 weeks old, and they said, “Hey! All your clothes are on the right way and your socks match? You’re doing really well.”

      Sorry the Critter isn’t sleeping. I don’t know that I should tell you this, but P finally slept through the night regularly at 3.25 years. YEARS, my friend. Still feeling totally discombobulated? Yeah, I feel you. Pictures, smictures. Those little lumps don’t look interesting until like 5 months, so cut yourself some slack and make a sandwich. One handed, of course, because isn’t that the way you have to with newborns?

      Congratulations. Awesome dads with Critters are the bestest.

  13. Nap, I think it’s perfectly fine that the majority of your diet is made up of ice cream! I agree wholeheartedly! I ate sooo much ice cream during my first pregnancy and now pregnant again, it’s about the only thing that sounds good to me all the time. And, if it’s not wrong for you, I can justify it for me! ;-) Sorry to hear about all the barfing.

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