Oh, no. Well… oh, I see.

As I’ve mentioned, for four weeks I have spent a lot of time hunched over the sink/toilet/neighbor’s lawn.

And I woke up today feeling human. Completely human. I noticed the sunshine and the smell of the dew outside. I was not completely repelled by the cats, to whom I’ve been allergic for over 4 weeks.

Crap. It’s way too early to feel better.

Here’s the thing. When I said I wasn’t really happy, I meant yet.

When I said I wasn’t excited, I meant yet.

You didn’t even give me a chance to get used to the idea.

So that’s it? You’re leaving…why? Because I wasn’t as nice as you deserve? I would have been. Because I got way ahead of myself and got new bras yesterday? I honestly needed them, which, I don’t mean to point fingers, but, was your fault. Because I cleaned the cat box a few times because it was making me puke even more? Because I blogged that I was angry at having to figure out how to fit you? I would have, you know. Figured it out.

Well, that’s…I don’t know what that is. I have no idea how to feel.

I’ll go get a confirmation tomorrow at the doc’s office, but I think you have vacated the premises. And I don’t know how to feel. It’s nice not being sick. It’s fun playing with Peanut. It’s sad every time he calls his stuffed animals brothers and sisters. And now I have a whole new “I’m not sure how I feel about this” to get used to.

Damn it.

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11 thoughts on “Oh, no. Well… oh, I see.

  1. Oh, Nap, I hope that you’ve just been granted a respite in the sickness. Not that it’s the other thing. I am hugging you so hard in cyberspace right now, either way.

  2. I am sooo hoping this isn’t THAT.

    Fuckit, I don’t know what to say.

    Okay. I had a miscarriage between Miss D. and Miss M., and even today I can’t sort out how I really feel/felt about it. Glad I wasn’t giving birth to a two-headed, barking vegetable, but sad because the idea of that little addition had already permeated, on many levels.

    Whatever help we can give, let us know. Waiting for news and thinking of you.

  3. Thinking of you.

    Hoping you get an enormous great big suprise chunder later today when you’re least expecting it and in a very public place.

    And that you get some good news. I really, really hope that x

  4. My fingers are crossed, my toes are crossed, my hair is crossed, my eyes are crossed (but that kind of hurts after a while). Because it can’t be THAT. Nope. I said so.

  5. I hate missing days. So now I have to run over to todays, praying, hoping. And I can’t even leave a humorous remark because, really, no one can be The Kitchen Witch.

  6. re: lack of symptoms…

    pregnancy #1: felt preggo, but at 11 week ultrasound, discovered no heartbeat, i.e. missed miscarriage. d&c quickly followed. then misery.

    pregnancy #2: lost feeling at 8 weeks, confirmed a cyst of cells and nothing more. week later had natural miscarriage.

    pregnancy #3: knew really early about pregnancy, lost symptoms at 5 or 6 weeks, figured another miscarriage was about to happen, looked inside and discovered two blobs. then blobs held tight and i started feeling like shit and 8 months later my darling daughters arrived. perfectly healthy.

    hence, it’s a crapshoot. it is a wonder humans are thriving, still, as a species if you ask me. which you didn’t! glad to read you’re back to vomitland. yech.

  7. I loved the book Fearless Pregnancy, which said that once you see a heartbeat (or two, yay J and S) chances of a miscarriage go down significantly.

    But man, the stillness of an otherwise roiling gut was disconcerting. Mostly for the guilt, since I still wasn’t anywhere ready to say I was even accepting, let alone welcoming, let alone planning to be nice.

    Not sure how I feel about the result, either, but there’s nothing like sleepless nights and heartstopping uncertainty to invest you in a project, even one that might, finally, really kill even the shell of the you you used to be.

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