Just found a couple of really good threads at mothering-dot-commmune about controlling anger and yelling. Not because I searched for those terms, of course. Not that I’m yelling at Peanut a lot or angry about 80% of every hour or anything. Of course not. Just happened upon them. Like, um, like stumbling onto four-leaf clovers. Sure. Not at all in a searching maniacally for clovers, or anything.
And the two points that came up repeatedly were pretty interesting and helpful. 1) Anger is usually about unmet needs. So if I figure out what to ask for help on, or what to address in my own life that I won’t react so angrily; and if I acknowledge that the little person in my house has needs, too, and his anger and frustration are his way, since he doesn’t have too many tools for getting his needs met, of getting me to do things.
So if I either meet my own needs or modify them, and try harder to help him meet his needs, rather than reacting as though his behavior is something to control, I may just eliminate a lot of the battles, yelling, and meltdowns.
It’s nice to remember, when I go months and months, spiraling into the “Oh my goodness I can’t handle this, how do other people do this, why am I nothing like the parent I want to be,” that there are resources for people who have the same issues. I wish I didn’t go so long between touchstone sessions. Because really, I could make this a lot easier on myself.
So Peanut and I just need to practice asking for what we need.
Gotta go and tell him I need 12 hours a day of peace and quiet so I can read and write. He’ll tell me he needs 16 hours a day of sheer frenetic activity and sensory stimulation.
We’ll see how that conversation goes.
Fair Warning: foul language alert….
Who is this CrackWhore who wrote that book? I want to shove her feel-good advice straight up her sphincter.
Just listen to this when I spout it back atcha: “…and if I acknowledge that the little person in my house has needs too…”
Umm, Hello? How is it possible to NOT acknowledge the “little person’s” needs because s/he screams their fucking BLOCK off if you don’t meet said needs within 10 seconds.
“…so if I either meet my own needs or modify them, and try harder to meet his needs…”
Ummm, Hello? How are you even meeting your own needs “modified?” Don’t be even thinking 1/8 of your needs are being met, and if you modify them, it looks something like this: My pre-schooler’s needs: 99.9% My needs: .01% on a good freaking day. Gee, I wonder why I am angry?
An answer (and not a very good one): Throw vapid parenting book in the trash, pop a Xanax, have a glass of wine and put them to bed an hour early, because you have NEEDS, dammit! xoxo