Dear handyman: get off your high horse and lose the attitude. It took you a month to schedule one stinking morning appointment, so if I cancel because of a family emergency (I want to take Peanut to the concert in the park and farmer’s market more than I want the leak in the sink gone, but you don’t know that and you’re not gonna) then that’s my problem. Do you want the work, or don’t you? Don’t act as though you’re losing your home just because I canceled. I gave you 48 hours notice.
Dear printer: stop lying. You’re not out of toner. I just bought you toner. you’ve printed, like, 200 pages. I know you better than this. I raised you, printer. You will shut your paper hole and I will obligingly open every stupid door and drawer, shake the toner cartidge, and put it back in, and we’ll have another 200 pages before you lie again. And I’ll go through the whole bullshit process again, at least twenty more times, and you’ll give me at least 2,000 pages, andIi’ll wonder which is harder: kidgloving my stupid f—ing printer or putting a toddler to bed. Secret answer: I don’t know. Neither is particularly fun or easy, but I have you both down to a science, so whatever. It’s like knowing you have to start your car on a hill. Sucks, but at least you know the drill.
Dear lady outside the Starbucks’ bathroom: stop rattling the g–d—- door knob. Didn’t you figure out the first four times you rattled it that someone is in here? i refuse to holler “someone’s in here” because any idiot can figure that out from the LOCKED DOOR. Also, I refuse to holler “almost done” because I just got in here and I am not almost done. I mean, relative to the guy before me who took half and hour and peed on every square inch of the seat, I’m almost done. But relative to my need not to talk to you, I’m not. You’d think I could pee by myself one freaking time this week. Just for that, I’m washing my hands twice. And checking my pores. And practicing origami on the paper towels, because it’s not like they’ve given me a lot of entertainment options in here.
Dear blogosphere: get back here. Just because I post anti-spanking and anti-segregation instead of lame jokes about how much my kid gets my goat, doesn’t mean you need to stop reading. By half. How the f— do half of you go away just because I talk all serious about stuff? Fickle freaks. What, are you over at the Bloggess listening to her in prison on the Nimitz story? Please. “Oh, look at me, I’m funny and patriotic and not ranting about respecting your kid.” Fine. I get it. You’re not tough enough to take my brand of genius. Whatever. Your loss. Wait, I mean, get back here. I’ll try to be funny. I swear. Or not, if that offends you.
Dear so-called medical experts: shut the f— up. You have no idea what you’re talking about. ‘Nuff said.
Ditto you parenting experts, job experts, and Pynchon experts.
Dear lady we saw yesterday: you’re damned right, you should be embarrassed. When you’re walking your first grader home from school, with your iPod blaring, you *should* feel guilty enough to drop the earbuds and listen to your talking kid. Kind of pathetic that it took us running by (not judging you because we didn’t know, until you dropped the buds like they were contraband) to make you listen to your kid. After she’d been in school all day. I’m glad you feel bad. You totally suck.
Dear advertisers: stop manipulating people. You suck.
Dear government: would you please get them to disclose what natural flavors they use? You know it’s anchovies, I know it’s anchovies. Would you please make them put anchovies on the label? Cuz otherwise I might someday thing, well, it’s natural, so it couldn’t possibly be ground up carmine bugs, right? Wrong. Trade secrets my ass. The amount of brown sugar in something is a trade secret. The fact that they’re feeding dead chickens to cows and dead cows to chickens should be on the front of the package. In simple pictographs because nobody reads labels anymore.
Dear neighbor: please don’t call the cops. He was doing that because we’ve had trouble with deer eating our brand new sunflowers, and we thought that the only natural defense we have, since the Ivory everyone else swears by isn’t working, is human urine, and I know you probably looked the other way when it was a three year old, but he doesn’t have a big enough bladder and the tall guy does. Besides, what are you going to tell the cops? It’s our yard. And our urine.
Your frustration equals my giggles. Several great items here–Starbucks rattling door lady! What IS it with those people? I’m hopeful you made TWO origami’s with the paper towels.
You are right, it’s anchovies. Sorry.
How sweet of your men to have a pissing duel in your yard! And no, Ivory doesn’t work. Nor does planting marigolds. Or cayenne pepper. Take it from my mother, who has 3 deer living in her yard at the moment.
It’s never too early for wine, girlfriend!
HA HA HA! Love it. I snorted coffee through my nose at “shut your paper hole” so thank you for that.
And I’m glad you put the Pynchon expert in there because, like, seriously, dude. Whatever.
KW, I’ve been trying to a leave a little in the glass so that when I wake up in the morning to screaming child, i can just slug some back and start the day right. Makes yoga an impossibility, but, meh.
Ink, I know, right? If you’re going to throw out a blanket statement about, of all things, authorial intent, please detail a little warp and weft. Not just that I’m wrong (about something I never said). Does he go trolling for posts that take TP’s name in vain and paste in his standard, “wrong, wrong, all wrong!”?
Yeah, the paper hole thing came to me because I’ve been noticing a LOT of things lately that don’t have pie holes. Told the cat to shut its catchow hole, because I almost said pie and realized how stupid that would sound. Ditto a leaf blower that was buggin’, a beeping seat belt alarm, and one of those damned talking gas pumps. Nary a one consumes the baked pastry. Leaf hole, key hole, and petro hole, respectively.
Sorry ’bout your nasal burns.
Have you been spying in my living room? Wine dregs for breakfast…guilty.
PS: Who is this Pynchon tosser?
Qualifier: Not Pynchon, but the Tosser who harasses you about him :)
at Pomolounge. Check Pynchon post and his comment, and Calliope and MadamePsychosis’s erudite smackdowns…
Wow! The kids have been peeing in the back for years. No wonder we don’t have any deer and I thought it was the coyotes all this time….
Awesome! Loved it! And if I find out how we can get more internet back to our sites, I’ll tell you, if you promise to tell me if you crack the code before me. I hate when they do that. As for printers, always threaten them with a paperclip that can do so much damage, or ask the pixies to help you.
“Shut yer piehole” is one of my all-time favorite things to hear someone say to someone else. I can’t explain why…it just makes me laugh. And I very much appreciate your elaborating on that whole concept.
And ditto what you said re: warp and weft (seriously, you should be awarded tenure immediately for using that in everyday bloggy conversation…the last time I saw that phrase was in a Norton anthology footnote).
I adore your rants….hilarious! I have joined your readership recently so you’re still gaining too!