Real costs of having a child

Several online calculators, such as the one at babycenter and reuters explain the cost of raising a child from birth to age 18. (You can adjust the results if you adopt a child later in its life, or get rid of the no good lout before it turns 18.) Never mind, for now, that the babycenter estimate for my location is almost double the national average. Or that we could buy a house with cash for what it costs to feed and clothe and attend to a small person (even if we don’t buy anything Disney, anything they ask for, or a wipe warmer.)

The calculations overlooked a few things, though, and I thought I’d help remind them of the necessary expenses of raising a child:

Booze: Includes the extra amount you’ll spend annually on alcoholic beverages purchased at grocery, convenience, and specialty stores; dining at restaurants and pubs, and bars due directly to the hell  that is life spent in the same house with people under the age of 18.

Clothing: Includes the extra amount you’ll spend annually on clothes as you eat yourself out of size after size, hoping that the cookies and booze will make your children more tolerable.

Entertainment:Includes the cost of finding anything, anything at all that your children will watch so they don’t keep opening the shower door and screeching that they need you the one stinking day a week you really want to shave; and the cost of porn purchased, rented, or paid-per-view to make the embers of your marriage spark for a moment or two.

Medical:  Includes the amount you’ll pay to ensure you never, ever, ever have more children.

6 thoughts on “Real costs of having a child

  1. That’s hilarious.

    Maybe, too, extra dental bills to fix the grinded-down teeth and TMJ from clamping one’s jaws together tightly (to prevent shrieking directly at child’s head)?

  2. Yeah, and do make sure you get that medical one taken care of in time. You don’t want to wish you’d shelled out that money a little bit sooner…

  3. How about the amount of extra coffee you will have to purchase and consume to force your body awake at ungodly morning hours…

  4. And don’t forget the money you squirrel away for the “future therapy fund” for the child because you just KNOW you’re going to f*&k him up somehow.

    Me, that is. Probably not you.

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