Can’t you do those sums in your head?

Number of times kid woke me last night, screaming, scared, or needy: three

Number of times spouse work me last night, snoring: three

Number of times cat #1 woke me last night, kneading kitty bread on my all-too supple belly: two

Number of times cat #2 woke me last night, yowling to go outside, totally ignoring the eight year precedent as an exclusively indoor f–king cat: two

Total times some other creature woke me last f–king night: look, I got an A+ in calculus at a pretty prestigious University, but I can’t even add right  now. And does the number really matter? I am the grouchiest (what is the right word? “bitch” has too many connotations that my anger and frustration are misplaced because I’m a woman which is false [the misplaced part not the woman part…as though there is a “woman part”]; “a–hole” connotes that I’m less shitty today because I more puckered; and “motherf—er” just doesn’t work right for so many reasons…let’s try again) the grouchiest shell of a human this side of Alaska.


I think I need a career as a pirate. Those f—ers get some respect.

7 thoughts on “Can’t you do those sums in your head?

  1. I, for one, think you’d look smashing with an eyepatch and tri-cornered hat. Pirate fashion would so totally work on you.

    And I hope that you get a very good and restorative rest tonight! (((Nap)))

  2. My indoor cat does that too. I think I want to be reincarnated as an indoor cat because they have such optimism! They never lose hope!

    I hate the kitty bread maneuver. It reminds me just how floppy those bits are.

    Aaaaargh! Lets all be pirates today!

    Sending nap vibes your way, math genius.

  3. I am right there with you today; what with the toddler, the preschooler, the cramps, the rain, and god only knows what else, I was up every hour last night. I want to be a pirate with you. Can I? I’ll bring caffiene. I have lots. Speaking of . . .

    • Aaaaaargh! I’ve decided it’s pirate week.
      @ck come on over and sample the grog and kitty bread.
      @ink your wishes are sweet, but I’ve been well rested seven days total in the past three years. It doesn’t look good. But it’s lovely for you to hope for me.
      @KW isn’t it fascinating that you find hope where I find mental brickwalledness. Good for you for seeing the bright side. We need people like that in the world
      @faemom oh, dear heavens, we’ll make you the head pirate this week, for all the nonsense goin’ on over there. Poor lady, aaaargh away. You may yo, ho, ho for all of us, in your nastiest, loudest, least appropriate voice. We won’t tell. Oh, didn’t I mention? We’re invisible pirates, yelling at people but not getting the dirty looks other people get when they yell in public…also we get free fountain soda and coffee. And wine. From Starbuck’s and Peet’s and local pubs with daycare.

  4. Hi, I love your blog. I also have a crabby bitch blog and cat from hell, etc. Instead of a spouse I have an endless supply of would-be suitors that I can’t stand.

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