Toddler Rules

Another plagiarized post…this time a mass email forwarded from my sweet friend KJ. We miss you, lady, and your son’s curls. Stay warm.

Here are our toddlers’ version of the rules. I didn’t write these, and they didn’t come attributed. If you wrote them, mazel tov. Get back to parenting and quit crowing for the spotlight.


If it is not food, it must be tasted.
If it is food, it must not be tasted.
If it is on, I must turn it off.
If it is off, I must turn it on.
If it is folded, I must unfold it.
If it is a liquid, it must be shaken, then spilled.
If it a solid, it must be crumbled, chewed, or smeared.
If it is high, it must be climbed.
If it is shelved, it must be unshelved.
If it is pointed, it must be run with at top speed.
If it is closed, it must be opened.
If it does not open, it must be screamed at.
If it is full, it will be more interesting emptied.
If it is empty, it will be more interesting  full.
If it has a flat surface, it must be banged upon.
If Mommy’s hands are full, I must be carried.
If Mommy wants to carry me, I must walk alone.
If it has buttons, they must be pressed.
If it is a phone, I must talk to it.
If it is quiet, I must make it loud.
If it moves, I must chase it.
If it will fit me, I must hide within it.
If another child has it, I must have it.
If I have it, no other child shall have it.
If I told you I don’t want it, I do.
If I told you I want it, I do not.
If it is whole, you must cut it for me.
If it is in pieces, you must fix it for me.
If you don’t do what I want, I will scream.
If you do what I ask, I will scream.
If you scream, I will cry.
If you cry, I will cry.
If you are tired, I have copious energy.
If you have energy, I am tired.
But if I’m tired, I won’t nap.