Not so fast, Internet


I had this brilliant idea. See, I’m trying all hard to dump my emotional and intellectual frump, and I’m trying to make my life more efficient. I have a few hours here and there to write, so I do. I have a few hours carved out for client work, and I’m pushing hard to fill that time. I’ve recently sequestered a few hours a week for exercise, and I’m actually doing it. Hell, Interwebs, I’m actually reading again. Because I was exhausted from whining that staying at home for my kids meant there was nothing left of me. IT was time to change! Part of the July revolution around Naptime is that I wanted a crafty project to fill my two evenings with Spouse and Netflix. Watching a movie is a great joy and a collossal waste of time for someone who cannot abide sitting still. So I knit or sew or do something handsy while I watch.

And after I saw the local yarn bombings and was inspired to craftiness again, I had a brilliant idea to cross stitch snark whenever the idiot box is on. To make little pillows that say “Shut Yur Piehole” and “Bah Humbug” and “Y’all Don’t Come Back, Ya Hear?” So I searched online to find out how to cross stitch (You shut your whore mouth: sometimes my great ideas are for things I don’t know how to do. That means I’m growing while you’re busy…getting good at things you already know how to do. So you can sound better on your LinkedIn profile than I do because you “stick with projects” and “finish what you start.” Shut your talking place.)

So a quick search on DIY cross sticth revealed this site for Subversive Cross Stitch. And this book for Subversive Cross Stitch. And this blog for Seriously Seditious Stitching. Complete with feminist and disestablishmentarian gallery.

Let me get this straight, so I can phrase it with action verbs for my resume: haven’t cornered the market on bad attitude, am way late to the snarky home crafts game, will be stuck watching a movie with Spouse while knitting a plain ol’ scarf, now fully aware how petty my ideas and goals are, given the long tradition of kickass revolutionary cross stitch?!

Fathereffing hell! You see why my fathereffing frump is hanging on me like a cheap suit? I can’t catch a break in this goldanged side-project-that-takes-away-from-my-other-projects game!

Stupid effing Internet.

Now wait one crafty-mama minute. I have it. Brilliant. While I was ranting to you delightful people, another option came into view. I’m going to go work on it for one week. In the four hours designated for such a project. And if what I think will happen actually happens, you’ll be the first to hear about it.

Oh, there will be snark. Mark my words, Interwebs. I will use my powers for fun and profit if it kills me. Which it won’t. Cuz if I can thrive, staying at home for more than five years with a child who ranks right up there with the highest of the highly spirited, if I can keep snark alive without sleep for four of the last five years, if my brain can survive the years away from academia and awesomely creative careers that used to feed me, I can damned well find a way to turn a profit from my bad attitude.

See ya in a few, dear readers. Cross your fingers and your stitches and your Ts, and I’ll be on my way soon.

18 thoughts on “Not so fast, Internet

  1. Dudette! I do Subversive Stitches too! I have them framed next to my desk (where most of my frustration dwells). The “Do Not Fuck With Me” is my fave, the bunnies are the shitz. I giggle every time I see it (every day). I can’t sit still either, which is why I stitch and sew to keep my neuroticness in check. I have a “Candy Ass” stitch I need to do still in the package. I did alot of stitching when I was a kid. Rainbows, unicorns, fairies, anything really. Therapeutic. Even more so with the swearing.

    I need to relearn how to crochet. I want to make slip-on back covers for my dining room chairs.

  2. jc, You’re gonna love what I come up with. I need me some extra time to get all the prototypes done, but you’re gonna love my crafty side so much you will forget your awesome glitter stickers for a minute. (I won’t forget mine, though. I have a pile that belong to nobody but me, that can’t be grubbied by little paws or stuck on furniture by little artists. So nifty to have my own stash for glitter emergencies and sticker pick-me-ups. Thanks and chee toward your cross stitch snark samplers!)

  3. Interested to find out what the new idea is.

    In the meantime, I can vouch for subversive cross-stitch as a worthwhile pursuit, even if not for profit- I’ve done a number of them to give as gifts, and the general consensus is that they’re hilarious. Just a note- this is probably not surprising, but Julie (SCS) has an Etsy shop that prices supplies a fair bit higher than what you can get them for on other sites, especially the thread; googling the product number should pull up a good alternate site.

    • @k good to know. I believe very strongly in not stealing from the Interwebs, so I won’t take any of her ideas or designs. But it rocks the house that she’s out there and offering so much awesome info to newbies. It’s looking like what I want to do (only tangentially related to cross stitch) is going to take more manufacturing than I’m willing to get into, but I’m still working.

      @jc packing and moving makes anyone stabby. Unpacking makes me *really* stabby. I always have a duffel with a can opener, tooth paste, tin foil, and my favorite stabbing knives when I move.

    • @Tara You embroidered a colon? For someone with colon cancer? For someone with gas issues? For a science class of embroidery enthusiasts? You can’t just announce a colon craft and not expound. That’s just too awesome.

      @Kitch Pillows #1 and #2 will be yours if it takes me a decade. #3 will say “Ayn Rand? Hypercapitalist fascist. Next?” and #4 will say “Crusts Cut Off— $5 charge. I’ll add it to your tab. For you *will* pay me, motherruiner.”

      @j Yes, yes. Getting right on that. Except I talk much better than I actually do.

  4. I’m proudly wearing a glittery butterfly at the moment as a reward for getting all the pots and pans packed. I was starting to get stabby with the bubble wrap and tape.

    You talking “prototypes” makes my heart sing.

  5. Okay, who in this watery Hellhole of a planet is tara? In the words of David Cassidy, “I think I love you.”

    Almost as much as I love you, Miss Nap.

    So as I sit here, at 1am, eating leftover Dan Dan Noodles, which I know I have no business eating, can I put in an order for a few charming throw pillows? No subversiveness required.

    Pillow 1: Fuck you, you fucking fuck.
    Pillow 2: Hi! My mom is dying! How are YOU?
    Pillow 3: I am sooo over Ayn Rand.
    Pillow 4: Yo–Go the Fuck to Sleep, and then hand me my paycheck.

    Hmm. Still a little cranky. More noodles might be in order. xoxoxo

    • @Kitch, by the way, honey, I adore your almost palindromic profanity. “Fuck you, you fucking fuck” is pretty awesome. I’ll make it into a flask for you. ;-)

  6. hahahahaha! i’ve been meaning to post about it, i’m so proud. i’ll get to that asap, since it’s been on the list since april…next up is the female reproductive system, are you riveted? lol! and kitch, thanks, i’ll take all the love i can get.

  7. “I am sooo over Ayn Rand” = LMAO!

    Also, Nap, your novel isn’t languishing. It’s being written in your brain as you subversively stitch.

  8. I am sure that the cross stitching will invoke the gods of creative juices and many words will be written in the great Nap novel…Please save me a copy…and I’ll place an order for elderly snark…Something along the lines of “Open your fucking mail, yo. Litter kills.”

    @Tara: I’d order a colon cross-stitch. For the idiot doctor who botched my MIL’s colonoscopy that has landed her in emergency surgery twice in 6 months… Maybe he didn’t get it right in med school.

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